


My New Life

by VampireHydeFTW



Category: the GazettE
Genre: M/M, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 12:51:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 40,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3327542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireHydeFTW/pseuds/VampireHydeFTW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wanting a change Uruha is determined to become a star like his hero Sugizo. His hard work and practise pays off when he joins Gazette however his old life isn't so easy to let go. Not when hia new co-worker knows exactly who he once was, and refuses to let him move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. .

27/07/2008

I was on my way home from work when I saw the advert in a shop window that made me stop instead of hurrying home like I had wanted to. It was late and the moon was nothing more than a white slither in the sky, closer to dawn than dusk. The streets weren't safe at this time, not that I was too concerned about this. It was the cold that was making me hurry.  
As I stopped to read the advert I could see a man watching me with lustful eyes. Did he recognise me as Uruha or was this just a chance encounter? Either way I knew exactly what he was thinking and I knew I should just walk away. Come back later when the streets were busy and I could blend in with a crowd. That would make it clear I wasn’t interested. But the advert had distracted me from my senses and it would be a long trip to return just to write down a phone number.  
I don’t live in this neighbourhood or normally come here at all. I was only here because that was where my business had let me. I believed it was fate that had showed this to me. Some divine beings blessing to encourage me down the road I was sure I would rather travel. I needed to quit this job, not because I hated it but because I now felt like I deserved better. I couldn't do this forever anyway, best to get out when I was still young.   
The advert in question was simple enough, white text on a black background and I would have missed it had it not been for the bold text at the top which read. “Are you a guitarist?” I wasn’t but I wanted to be. That was my dream and I’d practised hard over the last few years to achieve it. I felt I was ready to join a band and I recognised this one. Gazette, they had quite the underground following. I'd even heard them play once or twice.  
I read the details wishing the man watching me would walk away. Surely the fact I was ignoring him would suggest I wasn't interested? Naturally I met the requirements for age and gender, the band had been all young men when I saw them last. Probably around my own age. The image was stated as ‘clean cut’ which made me wonder for a moment but I shrugged. I fitted in with this bands image, though I wouldn't know for sure unless I applied.   
I searched for a pen and cursed as I realised I had none on me. I was wearing such tight clothing that there wasn’t room for pockets. The money I has earned that night was stuffed in my boots along with…  
Along with my mobile phone! Delighted I pulled it out risking a glance at the man now approaching me. Quickly I typed the number onto the screen and gave one check before hurrying away. As I walked I stored the phone number ready to be call them the next morning. If my message hadn't been clear before it was now. I was not available. He wasn't even pretty, completely without any charm that might have tempted me in other circumstances. To my relief the man finally got the hint and left. I’d already had one client tonight who’d paid me well. I wasn’t in the mood for another. Not when my salvation is in site.

I suppose I’d better be honest with you right now. I’m a prostitute. A gay prostitute to be precise. I only sleep with men. Call me whatever names you like. They're all true. If it makes it any easier to deal with I am trying to quit. To follow the straight and narrow. It's just not that easy.   
Why do I do it? Simple. I like money. No I wasn’t beaten up. No I didn’t run away from home and I have never been abused or forced to do anything I wasn't happy with. To me prostitution has always been just a job. There was never any fear involved.  
The whole thing started for some extra cash in high school. A man offered me good money and I said yes. He was in his mid twenties and reasonably good looking. To be honest if he’d tried to seduce me I would have fallen in love with him. I like older men. Always have, always will. Then he wanted it again so I agreed. It had been fun and easy money. I thought it was great. Then one day he asked if I’d do the same favour for his friend. The man wasn’t ugly and I knew I’d be safe. The first man had never hurt me, always been nice. Treated me with respect. He promised his friend would be the same and he was.  
Soon enough it was more than just his friends. I didn’t care and when he asked for a cut I reluctantly agreed. You could say he was my pimp. Still, I was probably better off for having him. He made sure my clients were always gentle. He taught me everything I needed to know.  
One day my mother found out. She wanted me to quit, so I lied and said I would. That night I ran away from home. Came here to Tokyo where I’ve lived the last few years on my own. Easy enough. My job is well paid. I keep myself clean. I always meet clients in public areas and if I sense trouble I refuse to take them on. It’s a good life really. But I’ve had enough. I want to be able to be honest about what I do. But I want to earn a lot of money too.  
Then one day it occurred to me what I really wanted to do in life. I want to be a guitarist. The genre doesn’t matter. I just want to be like him. My idol. Sugizo. I guess what you could say is I’ve finally grown up.

A few days later I arrive at a old warehouse where auditions are to be held. My guitar in its case across my back feeling far more nervous than I had ever done before. This is where the band practice, they'd even got their old recording studio from the looks of things. I'd never realised just how successful they were. Unless they had a good sponsor off course. I knew all about being funded by another man's money.  
The man who answered the phone, Kai, seemed friendly enough when I had called. He’d invited me to the audition enthusiastically and I had agreed. Caught away in his excitement feeling like I must be the only one to have called. I had never been so wrong.  
There’s a few other men here and even a woman which is kind of stupid seeing as the advert clearly said they were looking for a man. Still maybe if she was good enough they’d let her in. I’ll give her points for trying. In fact I was almost admirable.  
I've arrived later than most, many have already auditioned and left but nobody commented on my punctuality. I had been given a vague time of between 10Am and 11AM anyway. I'm not late and it’s not my fault I can’t get up in the mornings. Night is when I work. Morning is when I usually sleep.  
“Here, fill this in.” a woman said handing me some paper and a numbered ticker as I enter. I nod and go to sit on a chair as I wait my turn. The form seems easy enough, asking my name, address, telephone number. Then I reach career and I pause. What should I put? I usually say I work in the entertainment industry and if people ask more questions I act like it’s really boring until they shut up. In the end, I diverge from the classic answer and write “bartender.” All wannabe musicians seem to be bartenders, waiters or whatever. This hurdle over, I quickly fill in the rest of the form. Smiling as I get to the final question, “Why do you want to join our band,” I decide to make up for my lie. I’ll tell the honest truth. “I’m sick of my job, and want to do something new. To be like my hero I choose guitar.” I wonder if I should add some more details about why they should hire me but my number is called out so I leave it as it is.  
“My name is Kouyou.” I announce firmly to the three men in front of me. I haven’t used my real name in a long time, but I don’t want them to recognise the name ‘Uruha’ from any of my adverts I leave lying about. I study the three men and I am relieved to see my choice of grey jeans and a simple white t-shirt isn’t too different from what they’re wearing. I can read their name tags and know that these men are Ruki, Kai and Reita in that order. I recognise Kai’s name and smile at him. He looks as kind and welcoming as he had sounded on the phone.  
I’m not nervous anymore. I was a born performer. Playing the guitar in front of people is easy when you do what I do for a living. So what if they decide I’m not good enough? It’s only guitar. Practice will make me better. Nothing to be embarrassed about.  
“OK, first, can you play us something?” Kai asks, and I nod confidently as I start up the guitar parts for Luna Sea’s Rosier. I can see a smile creep across Ruki’s face and I know he likes this song too. By the time I finish playing, I’m confident that it had gone well. I wasn’t stopped by anything but the song's own ending. They all seem pretty impressed by my work. Well, they should be. It was perfect. They don’t need to know about all the hours I spent practising. Right now, only the end result matters.  
“Now, we’re going to give you a mock interview.” Kai announces with no comment on my performance. “Reita here is going to be your interviewer.”  
“OK.” I agree turning my attention to the blond haired man, who looks me straight in the eyes as he reads a question from a sheet of paper.  
“What was your first impression of Kai?” Reita asks looking up at me. I stare for a moment at the question before realising he’s testing me for how quick I can answer difficult question.  
“I thought he was a very nice man.” I announce firmly. “I was impressed by how grown up he sounded, and I felt like he was the kind of man I could trust.” Reita nods pleased and moves onto the second question.  
“Are you close with your parents?” Reita asks.  
“No.” I reply honestly. “They don’t really support me in the choices I made in my life. I’d love to have a better relationship with them, but feel at the moment I can’t without sacrificing who I am.”  
“Finally. If you could be any animal in the world what would be and why?” Reita asked and I pause for a moment while I think.  
“I’d be a dog, because then I’d have someone who loved me and get to live in a nice warm house with all my needs taken care of for me.” I respond. Getting one last nod.  
“OK.” Ruki announces looking at me. “When it comes stage costumes do you have anything you’d refuse to wear?”  
“Only furs and that sort of thing. Anything that hurt an animal for fashion. Leather is fine, but we eat cows so it's not the same thing at all.” I explain knowing I can’t be judged badly for that. I will literally wear anything on stage, though sexy really was more my thing.  
“Is there anything you’d say was too revealing?” Ruki asked and I shake my head. Too revealing? I'd perform naked if that was what was required.  
“When it comes to fan-service would you have any reservations?” Ruki asked and I shake my head again.  
“No. Though I would like to warn you all now that I’m gay.” I say nervously. I'd confessed to this on the form but I didn't want anyone to think I was trying to hide this fact to get a feel of another man. Not everyone was happy about my sexual orientation.  
“The fangirls will love that.” Kai announces firmly with a smile. He doesn't mind at all though Ruki and Reita seem a little less sure.   
“Last question. Do you have any dark secrets we should know about?” Ruki asks with a smile. It's clear he doesn't believe I'd be up to anything to be ashamed off. How wrong he is in his judgement of me.  
“Like what?” I ask trying to buy myself some time.  
“Drugs? Alcoholism? Paying women, sorry, men, for sex?” Ruki asks.  
“Oh, none of those things.” I reply honestly. Like I’d pay someone for sex. They pay me!  
“Any trouble with the police?” Ruki asks and I shake my head. Except for one parking ticket I had never been in any trouble at all. I wasn't breaking any laws, though it was walking a fine line between right and wrong.  
“OK, that’s all.” Ruki announces. “You’re free to go.”  
“We’ll call you when we make our decision.” Kai promises, and I nod before jumping off the makeshift stage. I have no idea if I’ve made it into the band or not, but I’m hopeful.

A few days later I finally get a phone call from Kai. After the initial small talk he gets straight to business.  
“OK. I’ll be honest. It was between you and one other man.” Kai says and I feel my heart race. Even if I’ve failed, I was so close I know I can make it into another band. Though my heart is set one this one. It just feels like it's my destiny to be in Gazette. “Well we couldn’t decide, so in the end we figured we’d just hire you both.”  
“I see.” I say as it sinks in. “Thank you Kai. Thank you.”  
“Oh, one thing before I forget, Reita wants a promise you won’t look at him in the shower.” Kai casually said though I can feel he's been put under pressure to tell me this. Did Reita have a problem with me? He hadn't seemed happy I was gay but he hadn't seemed to dislike me either.  
“Tell him he has nothing worth perving on.” I reply stubbornly, and to my relief Kai laughs.  
“Will do.” Kai promises before making arrangements for when we should next meet up. Eventually I hang up the phone with a huge grin. I did it. I’m in a band!


	2. Chapter 2

29/07/2008

I was last to arrive at the band's first meeting and I smile cautiously at the others who all watching me enter. I know I was running behind but surely it's not that bad? I glance at my watch to see I'm only ten minutes late. It's not the best start, but considering the circumstances pretty good. It had been a rush to get here. I hadn't wanted to show up like this. I wanted to be mature and reliable. An adult, instead of a spoilt child. It wasn't my fault I was late, it was my client.  
Don’t you just hate it when people get all clingy and won’t let you leave? They just want you to lie there, accepting their hugs that you can't object too because you're being paid to just lie beside them. Thinking about it, you've probably never been in this situation. Anyone in a couple would just explain they had work, wouldn't they? I've never really had a boyfriend. I wouldn't know how these things work outside of my job. Former job, he'd been the last. That had been my promise to myself as I lay there frustrated I couldn't just leave. I had joined a band to quit that life. To quit, I had to actually stop selling my body for sex.   
“Sorry, I got held up at work.” I apologise, they don't need the full explanation. They're happy enough with the one I give. Relieved nobody is mad I sit down in the one free seat, still smiling nervously at Kai. It's only when I'm sure he's not annoyed with me that I look around at the others and finally notice the fourth man.   
He must be the other guitarist. He's beautiful with his long raven hair and lip ring that makes him just a little bit edgy. He looks like the perfect guitarist for Gazette and my heart sinks. Not because I see him as competition, but because I recognise him.   
His name is Shiroyama Yuu. He's a nice man with a decent job. Kind and considerate inside and outside the bedroom. He could make me orgasm just by the way he moved inside my ass. He was one of my favourite clients and knew me about as well as I knew him.  
Silently I pray he stays silent about what I am. What I was. It's hard to remember I no longer sell myself. Though it's less than an hour since my last client, I have quit. Yuu won't bring up my past, not before talking to me about it, I decide. I'm still wary of him though. He knows too much and it's only faith in his character that means I can trust him.  
“This is Aoi.” Kai introduced him not realising we’d already met. I smile to hear the false name, though I suspect Aoi is his chosen stage name and not an attempt to hide who he is. I give Aoi a look that's part welcoming but mainly a warning not to tell. He seems too panicked by my presence to notice my silent command. He doesn't want the others to know anymore than I do. This makes it a lot easier to relax.   
“Aoi, this is Kouyou.” Kai continues and I can see the surprise on Aoi’s face. He looks doubtful now, not quite sure he recognised me. He's judging me with his eyes, trying to decide if Kouyon is Uruha, or just a man who looks like him. He's been so sure before.  
“I’d expect somebody like you to have a more unusual name.” Aoi replies offering me his hand which I shake politely. It's as soft and warm as I remember. His grip just as confident, despite his worries.  
“I’m known by a few others.” I say with a shrug. My voice has given it away. He had doubts before but he recognises my accent as Uruha. He no longer doubts who I am.   
“See this?” Reita suddenly asks drawing attention away from me. Perhaps the others can see the silent drama unfolding before their eyes. Reita certainly seems to be trying to distract us. “And before you ask. I wear this because I don’t actually have a nose.”  
“You wear it because you’re an attention seeker.” Ruki accused.  
“Attention seeker?” Reita complained. “You’re the one who changes his hair every five minutes.”  
“You’re as bad as each other.” Kai interrupted, it's clear Reita and Ruki must have childish arguments like this all the time and he's grown tired of it. He's the leader here, you can tell that his friends respect him. I don't blame them. I would follow Kai to the ends of the earth if he asked me too. I always get silly when I develop a crush but I swear my feelings for Kai are more than that. I always think that though, I'm starting to doubt myself now.   
Kai starts the practise with some bonding exercises so we can get to know and trust each other better. Ruki treats it like a joke, fainting into Reita's arms when he's supposed to catch him. You can tell how close they are, just by watching the way they interact with each other. It makes me jealous, I wish I had a friend I could trust that way. Maybe I will now?  
The exercises feel a little silly to me as I’ve been paired with Aoi. There's never been physical boundaries between us and I need to talk to him alone before we stand a chance of ever being friends. In the end all the two of us manage to achieve is a whispered agreement that the others couldn't know. 

“See ya.” I say with a wave as I leave the building and head for my car. I'm the only one who has driven here today, the others have walked or gotten the bus. I could offer them lifts but they seem content to make their own ways home and I know Aoi will corner me in the car park. Sure enough running footsteps can be heard a few moments later and I stop to let Aoi catch up.  
“Kouyou,” Aoi began, not sure how to ask me this. “You're Uruha?”   
“I’m Uruha,” I admit as I begin to walk again. Not avoiding him but wanting more privacy. I stop as I reach my car and lean against it, smiling when I see Aoi watching me. Still battling what to say. “You've never been this nervous around me. Not even our first night.”  
“This is my career.” Aoi replied, glancing over his shoulder as worried as I am that one of the others might come and overhear something.  
“It's mine too. It’s best for both of us if Kai doesn’t find out.” I reply. Aoi is pleased with my answer. We have a verbal understanding now. The past will stay that way.  
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Aoi agreed.  
“Kai, for one, would never understand.” I say unlocking my car. I should go, but something about the way Aoi is watching me makes me realise he hasn't finished talking.  
“I never knew you could play guitar.” Aoi comments, trying to stall me but it works.  
“You don’t know anything about me.” I say. Maybe a little harshly but one of my pet peeves is when a man thinks he knows me just because we've slept together.   
“I know.” Aoi replies, looking guilty. “I never asked. I was afraid you'd refuse to answer. Or I wouldn't like the answers you had to give.”  
“Nobody ever asks.” I say with a shrug. “I’m not paid to share my life story.”  
“Well let me hear it now?” Aoi says and to my disbelief he quickly runs around the car and gets in the passenger side. He knows perfectly well I wouldn't have let him in had he asked. But he's there now, it'd be rude to kick him out. We're band mates I remind myself as I get into my car. He just wants to get to know me.   
“Are you sure you can trust me?” I ask my full attention to the dark haired man beside me. I'm teasing now. Turning my worries on him to see how he will react. To see if he realises what a big deal it is that he's in my car at all.  
“Were you sure you could trust me?” Aoi responds with a smirk, knowing perfectly well he’s got me there. “When you came into my house and took of your clothes?”  
“Where do you want to go?” I ask with a frustrated sigh. It's not so bad that it's Aoi, at least I liked him before. If you can treat your whore well then you're a decent guy.   
“Your place.” Aoi answered without hesitation and I give him a look. “Come on. We’re band mates now.” He begged and I sighed. Once again he has me cornered. He's crossing another boundary that he knows he shouldn't cross. Yet the boundaries in place were Uruha's, I'm not sure what mine should be.  
“If we go to my apartment you’re going as my band mate.” I relent. I'm not happy about this, but I don't think anything bad will happen because of it. “I don’t let clients into my house.”  
“Well I was kind of hoping I could be both.” Aoi remarked with a cheeky smile. I'd feared this might be coming. He hadn't stopped lusting after me, I could tell by the way he kept glancing at me all day.  
“No.” I say shaking my head firmly. I wasn't going to cross this line. I'd made my decision to quit. Surely Aoi could learn to accept that.  
“No?” Aoi repeats. “Why? I promise I won’t let it change anything in the band if that’s what you’re worried about. It'll be secret. Just like you want.”  
“Aoi….” I sigh and know I now have to explain everything to him. “I want to quit, okay? I don’t want to be Uruha anymore. I’m bored with him. Joining this band was supposed to be a fresh start. If I let you hire me it defeats the whole purpose. The whore you know as Uruha is dead. I buried him.”  
“I can understand that.” Aoi agrees. “But what are you going to do for money until the first pay check? It could take months you know. This kind of job doesn't give a regular salary. It may never be enough to pay your bills.”  
“I have savings.” I reply stubbornly. It's not like I hadn't given my financial situation a lot of thought when I quit. I like nice things, but I can cut back if that's what is needed to follow my dream.  
“To keep you in the lifestyle you're used to?” Aoi demands. I glare at him suspiciously now. Has he been following me? It wouldn't be the first time a client got too clingy. Maybe he only auditioned for Gazette because he knew I was there?  
“And what do you know of that?” I demand, my fear raising it's head as anger.  
“Well there’s this car.” Aoi points out. “And your clothes, just the way you act in general. It's your attitude I guess. You like the finer things in life.”  
“My attitude?” I repeat. I'm still suspicious but I am sitting in a nearly new car in brand name clothes. Perhaps it is obvious, especially to a man who knows I always order sirloin steak of any menu. Aoi was the type of man who liked to date his whores before taking them home. It probably made him feel better about paying me though we had never really talked about much when we were out. I realise now it's because he was too worried about what I might say. He had an image in his head of who I was and was afraid reality would break it apart. I was nothing but his sexual fantasy, his ideal man. I understood that in the same way Aoi now realised that he now had to get to know me as a person. Uruha was truly dead to him now, we both knew that but now he wanted to make Kouyou his whore instead.   
“Yeah. It’s not bad. You just have the persona of a man used to money.” Aoi replied cautiously. So very careful not to offend me. I give him credit for this and start the car engine. We can't sit in this car park all day.   
“I can cope without it.” It’s so obviously a lie and he doesn’t believe me for a moment. He says nothing about it as he fastens his seat belt. I'm going to take him home, if only because I feel I'll be more determined to say no if I was in a location I had never had sex. His offer does tempt me. All I can picture is how great the sex with him actually was. I'm attracted to him physically and he always seemed genuinely nice. Saying no to him is going to be the hardest thing in the world. But it has to be done.   
“Well anyway my point is,” Aoi continues, “If you let me pay you’re going to have just that little extra. It’s not that I don’t understand your wish to quit. It’s admirable enough, only this way won’t it be easier? You’ll have a secure source of income and when, if we become rich and famous you can quit.”  
“Oh you’d love that.” I retort sarcastically. “Getting me exclusively.”  
“Be like that then!” Aoi sulked.  
“I will.” I say stubbornly. Satisfied that Aoi has now got the message. Aoi may want my body, but I don't think he's going to force himself on me either. I just can't see Aoi trying to pressurise me into something, especially when I’ve made it so clear it's not what I want.


	3. Chapter 3

It has been a long time since I allowed anybody into my house. My last guest being a plumber who had only been invited due to necessity. My apartment was a sanctuary in which Kouyou reigned. There was no Uruha here, just myself. No secrets, no lies. To invite Aoi over should have been the most terrifying thing I have ever done. In a way it had been and yet now I had the whole idea felt nothing but exciting. I’m breaking my own rules and it’s a rush. Anything could happen, but I have the power to decide what 'anything' actually was. My home, my rules. At least I think that's how these things work.

Aoi had gone quiet on the ride over. Staring out of the car window in a manner I could only describe as sulking. It’s my fault he’s like this. For telling him, without a shadow of a doubt, that Uruha the whore was no more. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so harsh? I didn't mean to hurt him when I broke the chains of my past. Perhaps he simply doesn't realise how hard it is for me to quit? To say no to him. Is he sulking because he thinks I didn't enjoy sleeping with him or just because he's coming to terms with the factor it can't ever happen again?

I should have comforted him, but I have worries of my own. How am I going to survive on my savings? He's right, Gazette aren't going to come mega rich over night. There's a long hard road to walk down before we're even well known. Have I been to hasty retiring so soon? I'd promised myself that when I got a job as a musician I would quit. Can Gazette even be considered a job until I’m being paid? Was I making a mistake? I hadn't thought I was, I honestly want nothing more than to play guitar and have fun with people I could call my friends. I just hadn't quite factored my own materialism into the equation.

I feel my resolve slipping as we get close to my home. Why is sleeping with Aoi such a big deal to me anyway? We’ve done it before. I’ve done it with far less attractive men. He's just one client, it'd almost be a relationship. It's what Aoi wants, and I should jump at this opportunity. Combine the two sides of myself into one would be the easy route. Instead I'm crafting a whole new version of myself, and I'm no longer sure why I'm doing it.

My mind falls back to the times I’ve slept with him. To say I hadn’t enjoyed it would be a lie. I love sex and I love it even more when the other guy is hot like Aoi. He was, no is, amazing in the bedroom. Aoi is such a good guy and I'm hurting us both for no reason.

“You win.” I sigh. That’s the second rule I’ve broken since he found me in the car park. “You can have me. Only until we get paid. I won’t promise I’ll be exclusive to you. I’m terrible at keeping promises even to myself. I can only say I’ll try.”

“You don’t have to.” Aoi responded, finally turning his attention away from the window and onto me. “I don’t want you doing this just to please me. I feel terrible now. It's because you feel sorry for me isn't it?”

“Calm your ego. It’s for the money.” I snap. It is a little bit guilt for making him so sad, but this isn't Aoi's fault. He's not the type of man to deliberately manipulate someone else's emotions. I add a little kinder. “And because it’s you. I always remember the clients that I like.”

“But you left while I slept. Every time.” Aoi said sounding surprised at my confession. His surprise turned into a smile and I smiled back feeling just a little bit closer to him already.

“Well, yeah.” I reply. “I never stay.”

“So that you don't lead people on? That makes sense.” Aoi realises. The car goes silent again. I’m wondering what I should say when he starts talking again. “I’m not some pervert who just randomly goes around sleeping with wh… prostitutes. You're the only one I would ever pay.”

“Did I say you were?” I ask. Does he really think I care why people pay me? Or what they call me for that matter, I didn't miss him stopping himself from saying whore.

“Well no but… I can get a man. I’m not desperate.” Aoi responds. “It’s just that I saw you and I fell in…. I don’t know. I think loves is too strong a word. Maybe lust? I don’t know. I wanted you and then when I learnt what you did I realised I could have you. Only not really and... I really should have stopped talking a bit ago shouldn’t I?”

“It’s okay. I think it’s sweet.” I reply with a smile. I've never seen Aoi so nervous around me before today, I find it endearing.

“I think I should just sit here and look pretty” Aoi announced. I can see his cheeks have gone a little pink from embarrassment and for some reason this amuses me.

“I thought you wanted to get to know me?” I teased.

“I do.” Aoi replied. “Fine, safe questions then. What's your favourite colour?”

 

Aoi asks me the most innocent questions for the rest of the drive over and I have no trouble answering him honestly and asking some of my own. A door has opened between us and I no longer feel like I have to hide myself from him. Aoi would sleep with either side of myself, he's in lust with both halves.

I let him into my apartment, a physical door opening this time instead of a metaphorical one, and I allow him to enter my sanctuary. Palace Kouyou, my castle and my home. I step aside and Aoi crosses the threshold, looking around with curiosity. He seems to like what he sees though it's not as tidy as I would have liked. At least it's not a complete mess either. I'd been burning off nervous energy the night before tidying up.

“Well?” I ask and he turns around with a smile.

“It’s just like you.” He announces rather cryptically. What's that supposed to mean? Nervously I look around my home trying to see it the way Aoi might, but I can't figure it out at all.

“Do you want something to drink?” I ask, remembering that’s the normal thing to ask somebody when you’ve invited them into your house. Instead of “So where do you want to do it?” like I was about to. He hasn’t even paid me yet! What am I thinking? In fact he hasn’t even said he wants sex today. What’s gotten into me? Oh right. My own emotions. It’s me who wants to rip his clothes of and have him right here on the floor. If I do that he’ll never pay me. Best to let him believe he’s the one who wants this. No wonder my resolve around him is so weak. Perhaps I’ve fallen in lust too?

“Water's fine.” Aoi replies and I blink as my thoughts return back to reality.

“OK. I’ll just get you some.” I say hurrying into the kitchen desperate for a chance to be alone. It's hard work being around people all day. Never mind the fact I brought Aoi home.

The guys are all great and everything but it’s going to be difficult to get used to having them around. I’m used to being alone most of the time. I was happy that way. Now I have to invite four men who are almost strangers into my life and it scares me. I’ve never let anyone into my heart since I ran away from home. I’ve never let anybody into my life. This whole thing is meant to be about change. A new life. I’ll just have to take it one step at a time.

Feeling stressed out I grab a bottle of whisky and quickly fill a glass half full. I down it in one and pour a second glass. Don’t judge me for this, I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. What am I doing? Why is Aoi here and why have I given into his demands so easily?

Because they weren't demands. It was a request asked in a reasonable manner and my resolve was weak. Should I go tell him I’ve changed my mind? That would be too cruel? To myself and to him.

I down the second glass and feel a little more relaxed. I grab a bottle of water from my fridge and return to Aoi who is now sitting on my couch looking about as comfortable as I feel. Perhaps he's having second thoughts too?

He reminds me now of the time we first met. He was shy and nervous then. I knew perfectly well it was the first time he’d paid somebody for sex. At the time I had briefly wondered why a man like him wanted to pay. It wasn’t like he wanted anything kinky or embarrassing from me. His story about simply being attracted to me makes sense, it’s about the only thing that would.

“Here’s your water.” I say handing it to him and sitting in an arm chair where I wait for him to lead the conversation.

“Thanks.” Aoi says accepting the bottle and opening it. After a long break he decides to try and initiate a conversation. “So do you live here alone?”

“Yeah.” I reply.

“I see.” Aoi replies. “So no partner?”

“No.” I say refusing to give anything away. Why is he suddenly asking about my love life anyway?

“I see.” Aoi replies. “So are you into girls or just men?”

“I only sleep with men.” I reply. Silence hits the room again as Aoi tries to think of something to ask me. It seems his mind is stuck on one thing now though.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Aoi asks. I want to reply no, but that's not how you make friends.

“Sure but I won’t promise I’ll answer it.” I reply instead, obviously catching Aoi off guard.

“What’s it like? To be a prostitute?” Aoi asks and I shrug. How can I answer that? He seems to realise the foolishness of his question and changes it to“Do you do anything out of the ordinary?”

“Whatever I’m paid for, but I won’t let people hurt me.” I reply and Aoi nods, he's heard this from me before.

“Why did you choose Uruha? Does it mean anything?” Aoi asks and I shake my head. It's just a name, it has no secrets. Aoi seems disappointed though. Is it because I'm not actually sharing anything new with him at all?

“I’m not in the mood to talk.” I announce, I'm already getting tired from the constant questions. “Do you want to fuck me or not? We’re not doing it here by the way. Uruha doesn’t exist in this building. Only Kouyou and he doesn’t really like company off any kind.” This was the decision I'd made in the kitchen while I drank. I needed to set boundaries I could realistically stick to. Keeping my sanctuary exclusive to Kouyou had been one of them.

“Oh.” Aoi said quietly. “You don’t want me here do you?”

“Not really.” I reply. “But stay anyway. You’re my band mate now and we’re going to have to become friends sooner or later.” He looks at me and I can tell what he's thinking. Making friends isn't supposed to feel like a chore.

“Can I see Uruha’s clothes?” Aoi asks ignoring my rudeness. I’m impressed by his determination to get on with me. I’ve hardly been a polite host. I’m even more impressed that he understands that Uruha and Kouyou are different people in my mind. I’m not schizophrenic or anything, it’s just a trick of the trade. Keep your personal life private. If Aoi gets this though, why is he trying to rip down the walls that separate them?

“Sure.” I say getting up and leaving him to follow me to my bedroom. I have two wardrobes, one for Uruha and one for me. I open the nearest one and step back so Aoi can get a good look at what’s in there. Mainly clothes but some sex toys too. Everything I need to keep even the most demanding customers happy. Aoi's face lights up in a smile as he admires the clothes, he's seen me in many of these outfits but there's some he hasn't seen either.

“Where’s the nearest hotel?” Aoi asks me after studying my stuff. “I want to use these on you right now.” He explains, picking up some handcuffs. I shouldn't be surprised that he wants me for my body, but I am. I liked that he wanted to get to know me, he'd gotten my hopes up that he might genuinely like me and now it'd all fallen back to lust.

“Not far. But it’s expensive.” I reply.

“No problem.” Aoi replied. “If you don’t mind?”

“Actually I kind of do.” I admit. “I don’t let my customer tie me down. It’s a trust thing.”

“Please,” Aoi begged. “You can trust me.”

“I,” I begin, but something in his expression convinces me of his honesty. Maybe I’m being a fool, or maybe I’m just so incredibly horny right now I’ll do anything for him Can you blame me? Aoi is gorgous and it's not like he's thinking about anything other than sex now either. “Got the cash?”

“I have my cheque book.” Aoi replies. “I know you don’t accept them, but we work together now. It’s hardly going to be hard for you to track me down if it bounces. Which I can assure you it won’t.”

“Whatever. I’m breaking all the rules today anyway.” I relent without a fight. “You need to add an extra ¥8000 for the bondage.” I say as he pulls out his cheque book and pen.

“Sure.” Aoi agrees after a moment of hesitation but I have second thoughts. I feel guilty about charging him so much.

“You know what ¥6000.” I say. “Call it a friends discount.”

“Sure.” Aoi agrees with a smile as he begins to write. He knows I'm lying about their being a friend's discount, but he doesn't question it. I just want Aoi to like me. I know, I should have been friendlier to him but I couldn’t help being abrupt. Nerves and physical attraction made it impossible for me to communicate with him on any real level. Never mind the fact I don't even know what I want. The longer I spend with Aoi, the more confused I get.

“There you go.” Aoi says handing me a cheque. “I left the name blank because I don’t know your family name and to be honest I’m not even entirely sure if Kouyou is your real name or another alias.”

“It’s my real name.” I promise writing in my own name and placing the cheque under a book on my table. “I’ll go get changed.”

“Don’t bother.” Aoi replies. “I find you sexy in anything.” The way he says it, I know it's true.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

We arrive at the hotel and luckily there’s a room available. I warned Aoi this is an expensive hotel and not the kind of place you can just go for some fun but he doesn't even react to the price. I wonder if I choose this hotel because I thought the price would put him off, or simply because it was the nearest?

I wonder what Aoi really thinks of me as he's paying. I know he thinks I'm hot, but he must have an opinion that goes beyond that. I know he thinks I have expensive taste, but that isn't necessarily bad or good. He likes me I think. It's funny, Aoi's opinion of me never mattered to me before. Just his pretty face and the money he pays me.

“You’re in room 206” the receptionist says with a smile and hands Aoi the key. I wonder where his money comes from, he has no worries about spending so much on one nights entertainment. I've never asked him before, it was none of my business and I still don't feel comfortable asking him now. It'd be the quickest way to ruin the mood anyway and I'm so horny right now. Showing perfectly self restraint off course, but it's slipping.

“Thank you.” Aoi says heading for the lift. I can sense curious eyes on us as we step in, but the doors close before she can comment on our lack of luggage. Hopefully she’ll assume it’s in the car and we’re collecting it later. She might just be watching us because we're two men booking a double room, some women really love the concept of gay men.

We’ve barely even shut the door to the room when Aoi is kissing me with more desperation than I’ve ever felt from him. I return the kisses eagerly, my body demanding more from him like the traitor it is. Why does my body object so much to my minds wish to quit?

“Sorry, I’ve just been wanting this all day and…” Aoi began as he steps away looking guilty. Why is he apologising? He knows what he's paying for, that I don't object to anything he does to me.

“Never apologise to me when I’m being paid. There’s no need.” I remind him, though he looks sad when I remind him of this fact. “Do what you want.”

“Sure.” Aoi agrees and once again his lips are on mine. I can feel his lip ring digging into my own lip. It hurts a little and I try to adjust our positions to relieve the pressure. I’d just got it right when our lips parted and my shirt is pulled over my head and thrown carelessly on the floor.

Before I know it I’m naked and handcuffed to the radiator which is thankfully turned off. My hands are now secured to the pipe at the top of the radiator and I’m forced onto my knees as it’s the only comfortable position. Behind me I can hear the sounds of clothes been removed and I turn my head to watch Aoi undress. He looks like a sex god in my eyes and I smile at him as I see his naked form. Somewhere in these antics Aoi had become aroused and I hadn’t even noticed. It’s not like me to loose my head in these sort of situations but Aoi seems to push all the right buttons in me.

“We forgot lube and stuff.” Aoi realises and I shake my head bemused. Amateurs.

“In my jeans pocket.” I inform him. “I’m always prepared.”

“Glad somebody is.” Aoi says rummaging through my jeans and quickly finding the items he needs. Moments later Aoi is kneeling behind me and his middle finger slips inside me as he begins to prepare my body for what is to come.

Shutting my eyes I lean my forehead against the cool wall and simply enjoy what Aoi is doing for me. I don’t need preparing any more but it’s better this way. I feel a shiver go down my body as Aoi hits a particularly pleasurable spot. To my surprise I find I’m actually excited about this. Who would have thought that I was into bondage. I certainly didn’t. I always tried so hard to keep control over everything and I thought sex was no different. Maybe it isn’t the bondage. Maybe it’s him. We’ve done this before but perhaps knowing him on a more personal basis has helped spice things up. I wonder if Aoi feels the same way. He’s never been so desperate for me before. Then I let out a disappointed sigh as the fingers pull out momentarily forgetting that what came next was better.

“Stupid condom.” Aoi complains as he struggles to open the package. I’m about to offer advise but it seems he’s managed on his own. It doesn’t take him long before he’s behind me and I can feel him slowly slipping inside.

I hear myself letting out a series of moans as he gets deeper and deeper and there’s an audible gasp when he grabs my erection. It’s weird that I never noticed it growing hard, I guess I was to preoccupied with the pleasure from his fingers. Then he's moving behind me making me to forget everything, even how to think. There’s only pleasure now, for both of us.

“Aoi.” I moan, surprising myself for letting out how much I’m enjoying this. I usually try to hide my own needs, but I just can’t today. I’ve lost all self control.

My moan excites Aoi into getting serious and he’s thrusting into me hard and fast. Pleasuring me forgotten he holds onto my chest and gives me everything he has. I bite back a scream of joy and go with it. Our bodies become a mess of sweat and sexual energy and I become lost in the moment.

“Kouyou.” Aoi moans startling me back into reality. I’m shocked to be called by my real name. It feels strange but also nice. “Oh Kouyou. I love you.” Aoi moans and then I can feel him come inside me. I gasp and forget his words. He can’t possibly mean it, and if he does I don’t want to know.

For a minute or so all I can hear is my own breathing and Aoi’s panting from somewhere behind me. Then there is a click as I’m released from the handcuffs. I sit with my back to the wall and begin to stroke my throbbing erection. Usually Aoi helps me out but not today. He sits and watches me pleasure myself, with lustful eyes. I’m not bothered by this as it’s happened before. I shut my eyes and carry on as if no one else is in the room. And then it’s over.

My eyes slowly open and I watch Aoi pull himself up and lie on the bed. A satisfied smirk on his face.

“Lie with me. I want to hold you.” Aoi requests and I nod as I get up and do what he says. Aoi might be paying me for this but you know what. In different circumstances I might just do this for free.

 

I wake up in Aoi’s arms and almost panic before memories flood back in, reassuring me everything is okay. I have a rule, you see: never fall asleep in the company of a client. One more rule Aoi has made me break without even knowing. But I suppose it’s because I trust him. There’s no logical reason for this, it’s just a feeling I get when I’m with him. A feeling of being safe and protected. To be honest, it worries me how much I trust him but I suppose it’s okay. It’s not like he’s ever done anything to hurt me. Perhaps this trust is something he has earned?

“Aoi wake up.” I whisper shaking him. It’s just past 10AM but we’re not in work to the afternoon so we’re not running late.

“What?” Aoi muttered sleepily. He seems to be a light sleeper, a sign he worries a lot.

“It’s five past ten.” I explain. “I need to go home, get changed and stuff.”

“Okay. I’ll drive you.” Aoi agreed.

“You can’t. We took my car.” I remind him and he groans as he realises he has a choice of get up or walk.

“My house is like four miles away.” Aoi complains as he gets out of bed and starts finding his discarded clothes from the night before.

“It’s okay. I’ll take you home.” I agree, surprising myself. I never give people favours because they never give them to me.

“Thanks.” Aoi says and that’s the end of it. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t that. He wasn’t being rude or ungrateful. It was just so obvious he’d expected me to offer. Is this what it means to be friends? To expect them to look out for you whilst looking out for them in return? I’d like to say it was nice but it just felt strange to me. I’ve lived in a world where I had to take care of myself or else no one would. “You're still here.”

“I am. I fell asleep.” I explain. He doesn't believe me, he knows somewhere along the line I choose not to leave. His smile tells me everything.

 

I’m still pondering my relationship with Aoi when I arrive at rehearsal. Everyone but Ruki is already here, but he was working this morning and had already said he wasn’t sure he would make it on time. It all depended on the mood of his boss and how busy the restaurant was. I’m being nice when I call it a restaurant. He works in McDonalds.

Seeing as Aoi and Reita are in a huge argument about which baseball team is going to win some game this coming Saturday, I head over to talk to Kai who’s busy doing something with his drum kit.

“Hey.” I say sitting on the stool as he crouches at one side fiddling with a bolt.

“Not into baseball either?” Kai asks and I shrug.

“Not enough to talk about it. I watch when my team’s playing.” I reply and Kai nods.

“I’m thirsty. Want to go find a vending machine with me?” Kai asks.

“Okay.” I say, sceptical about the entertainment value of the task.

“So Uruha,” Kai says as we head down the hall “How are you liking the band?”

“It’s great.” I say enthusiastically and Kai smiles at me. I’m faced with his full glory and I find myself grinning back. His smile is contagious and seems to light up the whole room.

“Good.” Kai agrees. “And for the record, I think we made a good choice with you. You seem to be the kind of guy who doesn’t have any skeletons in his closet.”

Sure Kai, sure. It pains me to lie to him but I have no choice. I can’t actually admit to a guy like him that I sleep with men for a living.

“All my skeletons are out in the open.” I promise him. Just check your local phone box.

“Good. I really don’t want this band to have to break up because of some scandal.” Kai explains. I can understand his concerns and it makes me feel guilty. I know I’d be the cause if that happens.

“Like drugs?” I ask trying to keep the topic away from myself.

“Yes, or prostitution. That’s the worst. I can’t believe so many people think it’s okay.” Kai explains. “I always feel so sorry for the poor souls who end up having to sell their body because they ran away from an abusive father or whatever.”

“I’m sure some are there because they want to be.” I reply, amused by Kai’s attitude instead of offended. He’s obviously lived a sheltered life.

“Why on earth would they want to?” Kai asks me.

“Money?” I suggest. My own motive.

“You can get money from any job.” Kai replies firmly. “Don’t be so naïve.”

“Okay.” I agree. It's hilarious that Kai thinks he knows more than me about my own career. Not that he knows this is my career or anything.

“I’m serious.” Kai says as we reach the vending machine. “If anyone of you even thinks about having sexual relations with a prostitute they’re being kicked out of the band straight away. I won’t tolerate that kind of behaviour.”

“I’d never pay for sex.” I promise as Kai buys himself a drink.

“Good.” Kai say. “Want anything?”

“No I’m fine.” I reply with a smile. Perhaps I should have accepted, just to get a gift from Kai? Only, I find I don't want to take a single yen of Kai's money. I don't want to do anything that could be considered taking advantage of him. He's far too sweet and innocent for that. He's nothing like the men I'm used to, maybe that's why I'm so enchanted by him?

“So, how do you feel about Aoi?” Kai asked. Does he know? It's strange he randomly mentions prostitution before. He can't find out! I'd just die if he did. “You both seemed to be struggling to make friends yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah.” I reply. “We've met in the past, had some issues. But we talked them out yesterday after practise. All's fine now.”

“I'm glad.” Kai replied grinning. “You had me worried.”

“You don't need to worry about me.” I reassure him. I do enough of that myself.

“No worrying.” Kai agreed. Something I'm not so sure he's capable of doing when it comes to his band.

We head back to the others, now talking about insignificant things but my mind is elsewhere as I worry about what would happen to me and Aoi if Kai ever found out. Before, I could have said I’d quit before I joined the band. Maybe he could have forgive that? He seems to have sympathy for prostitutes. I can’t say that now. Aoi and I were officially band members last night and that didn’t stop us. For the first time I begin to truly regret giving in to Aoi. Now neither of us can claim we’re trying to change. Aoi's name didn't even have to come up before, but now there will be no avoiding it. I swear to myself that Kai can never know. A promise that I know I can actually keep.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

“You smell of McDonalds.” Reita complained as Ruki joins us half an hour late. He doesn't smell at all, but Reita teases Ruki like a school boy with a crush. He swears he's straight, and I have no reason to think otherwise, but around Ruki he does act like a different man.

“Well sorry I didn’t have time to shower. At least I changed my clothes.” Ruki retorts. He looks really nice today, he always looks nice to me but today he's really made an effort. “Besides you like McDonalds food.”

“Doesn’t mean I want to smell like it!” Reita complained winkling his nose and using some paper like a fan.

“Sure you do!” Ruki announced throwing his arms around Reita and beginning to rub their bodies together in a rather erotic way. We're all laughing, that is all of us but Reita.

“Get off me, you stinky tramp!” Reita shouts. Laughing, Ruki ignores his protests.

“But you love me!” Ruki protests, if anything getting closer to Reita.

“Ruki enough.” Kai eventually steps in. “You’re making this look like a gay nightclub.”

“What do you know about gay nightclubs?” Ruki demands almost defensively.

“Nothing.” Kai says. “I was just saying.”

“Well don’t it’s not funny.” Ruki snaps, sitting as far away from Reita as he can. He crosses his arms across his chest and glares at anyone who looks for too long. Really what has gotten into him? I don't know him that well, perhaps this behaviour is normal for him?

“Ruki chill.” Reita said raising an eyebrow. “Nobody’s calling you gay.”

“Not that it’s an insult to be gay.” Kai quickly adds, for my benefit. He's protective over me, at least I get that feeling from him. It's in his nature to care about us all but for whatever reason he's got it in his head I need protecting most. Perhaps he's read some story about homophobic abuse and now feels he's an expert on being gay and prostitution? I'm not saying it to be mean but Kai can be really naive sometimes. I find it charming.

 

After that incident we manage to get some practice in, the music already starting to feel like second nature to me. Even though it's only been a few weeks now. I love playing with this band, it's everything I had ever wanted it to be and more. I hadn't realised how nice it was just to have people around me who cared.

The arguing was over now and everything was running smoothly. That was until we had a break and Aoi couldn't resist rubbing salt into the wound. He should have known better than to ask Ruki questions about such a sensitive subject.

“Why can't you just name someone?” Aoi demanded. Trouble might as well be his middle name.

“Because I’m not gay!” Ruki snaps, frustrated with the constant demands to name which member of the band he'd most likely have sex with.

“If you were who’d you bend over for?” Aoi teases.

“No one!” Ruki snapped. “That’s disgusting. No offence Uruha.”

“It’s okay. I’m not bothered” I interrupt and they carry on with their argument while I sit there amused. Besides me Kai looks like he's loosing the will to live, he's probably heard this kind of bickering so much that he's loosing his patience for it. I smile at him supportively, pleased when he smiles back. We're comrades in this, passive observes not getting involved.

“Fine then. Who would you want to bend over for you?” Reita asked, following Aoi’s line of questioning.

“I don't know. Some girl!” Ruki said, with emphasis on girl.

“Ha! He likes to take people from behind!” Reita announced triumphantly.

“Don’t we all?” Aoi asked.

“No! It’s so homo!” Reita announced stubbornly, though his voice comes out a little self mocking. I don't believe Reita is homophobic, it's just his sense of humour, but really he should be more careful about what he says around people.

“You’re the homo, Mr I-don’t-have-a-nose”. Ruki retorted.

“Me? I’m not the one who obviously spent five hours on his hair!” Reita snapped back. So he's noticed the effort Ruki's gone to as well? “You never used to care so much about your appearance. Who are you trying to impress?”

“Practise time!” Kai interrupts and after a few more insults we pick up our instruments to rehearse.

 

I love playing guitar as it makes me forget everything. I become lost in my own world and nothing can break in. This is why I continued playing after everyone else had stopped. When I finally realise, I looked around confused.

“Ruki, you knew it’d make him mad.” Kai scolded and I stood puzzled as a mad looking Reita glares at Ruki.

“I was only getting my revenge.” Ruki said, smiling sweetly.

“Well don’t. Let’s start again and this time no one is to sing lyrics about anybody else. Got that?” Kai asked glaring at Ruki and I realise Ruki must have been singing something about Reita. I do remember the word stupid coming up a few times now I think about it. I glance at Kai, I can see how stressed he has become and is reminds me of the concerns he had that Aoi and I wouldn't get along.

Rehearsal ends quickly, with Aoi making some excuse about having to go to work. He seems to be as uncomfortable with the arguing as I feel. Which is rather hypocritical seeing as he caused the last argument.

It turns out he works in a book shop, but it’s more a hobby as his grandfather left him a lot of money when he died. Apparently he was some rich business man or something. Is he paying me with his inheritance? Some men might feel guilty to learn this, but I don't. It's Aoi's money and he can use it as he pleases. Maybe he's already a secret millionaire?

Reita and Ruki leave soon after, still picking on each other. It’s friendly bickering so nobody intervenes this time. I think we're all tired of this childish squabbling and glad to see the back of them. Once again I’m left with Kai and I wait for him to pack up. It always takes longest for the drummer to pack up his things so I decide to help him.

I never help anyone, but Kai is so sweet and kind I can’t help myself. In fact when I’m with Kai I get all these strange feelings. I just want to hold him and protect him. Except when he takes charge, he’s like someone else. Somebody I’d love to throw me down and…

What am I thinking? I can’t have feelings for Kai! Not when I find Aoi so hot and with everything I need to hide. Yet Kai is so sweet and kind. He’d look after me. With Kai I’d never have to worry about myself.

I can’t deny it. I like Kai. With Aoi it’s just a sex thing. He’s hot and great in bed, it’s natural I’d like him. Kai is different. When I think of him all I want is to be hold by him. I want to get to know him. Spend every waking minute with him. And of course fuck him senseless.

I’ve never felt this way before. It’s confusing and I hate it. Is this love? If it is I don’t want it. It’s horrible. I hate feeling so nervous and confused. Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to fall for that man and his killer smile?

“Do they often fight like this?” I find myself asking Kai. I'm wondering if this is a problem, or just something that happens a lot.

“Sometimes. But it's normally teasing. Ruki seems extra sensitive recently.” Kai explains. “At first it thought it was because he's used to being the pretty one, you and Aoi give him a run for his money.”

“That's nonsense. You're really cute, why would he suddenly be threatened by me?” Thinking about it this makes it all seem a little too obvious that I have a crush on him. “And Reita is handsome.”

“Exactly. But you and Aoi are pretty, not cute or handsome.” Kai explains. “You both wear expensive clothes and smell of expensive cologne, or whatever it is you wear. He's jealous.”

“Why does Reita get the blame though?” I wonder, Kai can't answer that.

 

“You’re the homophobe!” Ruki shouted at Reita for about the eighth time in the last few minutes. I had been sitting here the whole time and heard every word and I still haven’t figured out what their arguing was about. Or how it ended up with Ruki calling Reita a homophobe. As far as I can tell sexuality wasn’t even mentioned until this point.

“What have I ever done to be called a homophobe?” Reita demanded.

“You go around acting so macho, showing off your body as if only straight men can look that good.” Ruki announced. “And there was that time you made Kai tell Kouyou he couldn’t perv on you, as if he would and…”

“I’m not a homophobe!” Reita shouted.

“You so are!” Ruki snapped. “Why else would you call me gay?”

“When have I ever called you gay?” Reita demanded affronted by the insult.

“It’s not what you said. It’s how you said it.” Ruki snapped.

“What? Now you’re making as much sense as a woman!” Reita responded, as confused as I was.

“Sexist!” Ruki announced triumphantly. “I can’t stand to be in the same room as you anymore!”

“Ruki!” Reita called after Ruki who stormed out of the room, leaving the two of us together to try and figure out what had upset him. Reita may have said some things, but it was all in response to Ruki's irrational anger.

“What on earth was that about?” I demand.

“You tell me.” Reita said puzzled. “All I said was his hair looked good today and he took offence.”

“It’s so weird. He’s fine with everyone else. It’s just you.” I reply. I remember Kai's comments, as true as they might be they don't explain this behaviour at all.

“Whatever. It’s his problem.” Reita muttered picking up a magazine and reading it. Obviously he isn’t in the mood for talking so I stay quiet and think about Ruki for awhile. Then my mind wanders, as it always does, to Kai. He’s so hot and kind. Why do I always have to get so shy around him? I wish I could just be myself. Thank God I have Aoi to take my mind of things. Our ‘professional’ relationship has increased over the past few weeks and I now see him three or four times a week. It’s risky to be together so much. I don’t want the others to know about what I do. Not that I’m ashamed. I’m afraid if the truth comes out and they will all hate me because of it. Their

friendship means so much to me already. It’s nice to have friends who aren’t after me for my bedroom technique.

Suddenly it occurs to me. The reason why Ruki has been acting so weird. It makes such perfect sense I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. I can’t help but smile as I figured it out. I’m not the only one with romantic interests towards a band mate. Ruki has a crush on Reita, and is afraid of how the bassist will react. This was exactly how I behaved the first time I had a crush on a man. Ruki and I had a lot more in common that I had realised.

 

“Ruki? Can we talk?” I ask, after I finally track the vocalist down.

“Sure.” Ruki agreed casually. He's not mad at me then, just Reita. But then Reita's opinion is the one he's most afraid of.

“About Reita?” I ask carefully, knowing it’s a sensitive subject.

“Why do you want to talk about that homophobic jerk?” Ruki demands. So he’s still mad. Great, that will make this so much harder.

“Come on Ruki. You know that’s not true.” I sigh, knowing how stubborn Ruki can be. “If he was a homophobe he wouldn’t be so nice to me now would he?”

“Well maybe you’re the exception.” Ruki remarked rolling his eyes.

“Ruki admit it.” I snap unable to hold back my own accusation. “You’re in love with him.”

“What?” Ruki demands looking put out. “We’re not all a bunch of homos wanting to get it on with each other, you know. We’re not all going to just throw of our clothes and have a massive orgy. Maybe in your dreams but I’d rather not hear about that.”

“I never said we we’re all gay. I said you had feelings for Reita.” I reply calmly. I'm the best person to deal with Ruki right now. Not only do I understand him, there is literally nothing he can say right now that would upset me.

“Well I don’t. He’s an arrogant, stubborn, pig headed jerk.” Ruki snaps and I roll my eyes. OK, maybe I am the best person to help him, just not right now.

“Whatever. When you're ready to talk about it give me a call.” I reply, leaving him alone. It’s late and I’m too tired to argue with him. Besides I have all the information I need to know my theory is correct. In my business you get good at reading a person’s body language and though Ruki’s voice may have denied what I was saying, his body spoke differently.


	6. Chapter 6

Ruki started avoiding me after I called him out for loving Reita. He was fine in a group, knowing I wouldn't say a word, but catching him alone proved to be impossible. He wouldn't even answer his phone, yet if I sent him a text message he'd usually reply within seconds. The only exception to this rule being when he was at work, where he wasn't allowed to have his phone on him at all. It was frustrating, I wanted to talk to him, if only to pretend I was letting the subject go, but it was proving impossible. His arguments with Reita still took place, not as frequently as they once had as Reita had learned to mostly ignore him. It was putting pressure on us all, but what else could I do?

With the exception of Ruki I was getting on well with the others. I had found it in myself to hang out with Reita a few nights despite my original dislike of being around other people. It was simple though with Reita, playing video games and having a laugh. He was easy to get along with, neither of us wanting anything from the other but companionship. Kai too was easy, thought my crush made hanging out with him exhausting. He was an amazing cook I had discovered and he regularly made meals for me now. Horrified to learn I barely cooked for myself at all. I'd grow lonely now, if I went back to my old life. I had grown close to every member of the band and I had gotten used to always having someone to talk to. Even if it was about nothing at all.

“Your place?” Aoi calls as he sees me leaving and I laugh and get in my car. He knows perfectly well that we’re going to his. It’s the one rule I’ve managed to keep. No work within my own home.

Aoi’s house isn’t far from the recording studio we just left and so ten minutes later I’m letting myself into his house and heading for the kitchen as if I own the place. Well, it’s what Aoi wants me to do. He always leaves his door unlocked when I’m invited over as he wants me to treat his home as mine. Well, sorry Aoi. If it was my second home we wouldn’t be having sex in your bed unless you were my lover. A position I have reserved for Kai or no one. Not that Kai knows anything about this. He doesn’t need to know anything. Especially not the name of the puppy I’ve decided we’re going to adopt and raise together.

I’m just reaching for a glass when I hear the doorbell ring. With a shrug I carry on getting my drink as I know Aoi will get it. However I soon forget what I’m doing in my shock of what occurs.

“Ruki?” Aoi asks, obviously surprised to see our friend at his door.

“Can I talk to you?” Ruki asks sounding almost lost.

“Yeah but Kouyou is meant to be coming over,” Aoi begins to explain but Ruki never gives him the chance to finish. So Aoi doesn’t realise I’m here? Well I did come in quietly and there is music playing. It’s perfectly possible that Aoi didn’t hear me enter.

“Aoi please. It’s important.” Ruki almost begged Aoi. I was planning to let Aoi know I was here. Honestly I was. But when I heard these words they awoke my curiosity and I couldn’t help but listen to their conversation. I know it’s wrong but I never said I was a good man. Far from it.

“Well I suppose I could make Kouyou go out and fetch something when he arrives. Send him to the shop or something.” Aoi consented. The cheek of it. I make a mental note never to run errands for Aoi ever again. Not that I ever had before, but I so wouldn’t now.

“Thanks.” Ruki says and I can hear them heading towards the lounge. Which means they’ll be passing the open kitchen door. Quickly I dive out of sight without making any noise and stay there until I’m sure they’re both in the lounge where they won’t see me as long as I stay in this room.

“Well?” Aoi asks waiting for Ruki to explain his visit.

“You’re bi right?” Ruki asks. So Ruki knows? I didn't realise Aoi had told any of the band except for me.

“Yeah but,” Aoi began as surprised as I was.

“I saw you kiss Kouyou once.” Ruki explains. “And some other stuff too, don’t worry, I won’t tell Miaka.”

“You saw?” Aoi says sounding surprised enough for the both of us. Who the hell is Miaka? She's not any of his relations, not any I’ve heard of anyway.

“Yeah. Don’t worry you hadn’t got to far and,” Ruki says trailing of at the end of his sentence.

“So is this why you’re here? To tell me this because?” Aoi stammers nervously. Well of course he is. If Ruki saw money change hands we’re both in deep trouble.

“I need your help. I’m not here to judge or anything.” Ruki replies much to my relief and probably Aoi’s too. Still it doesn’t answer the question of if he knows that Aoi pays for me or not.

“Sure.” Aoi agrees. “You know you can trust me.”

“I think I have feelings for another man.” Ruki admits in a rush and I grin. Reita. It’s so Reita! I knew it! I have to stop myself from revealing myself, just to rub in how right I was.

“I see.” Aoi replies calmly, though I can hear surprise in his voice. He’s obviously nowhere near as perceptive as me. Which is probably a good thing. I really don’t want him to find out about my feelings for Kai. I have a feeling he won’t take it to well.

“Oh?” Aoi asks like the idiot he is. He’s meant to say ‘I know. It’s so obviously Reita’ that’s what I would have done. Why is Ruki confiding in Aoi anyway? It should be me he talks to! I’m the one who confronted him on the subject. I'm starting to feel a bit annoyed about the whole thing.

“How did you find out you liked guys?” Ruki asked Aoi. Finally something intelligent coming from one of them. Yes it’s off topic and he’s obviously trying to turn the attention away from himself but still it’s a valid question. Meaning I wanted to know.

“My friend was gay. One day we both got drunk and things happened,” Aoi admitted. “Well anyway we were partners for awhile but it didn’t work out. He cheated on me. With a whore.”

“Nasty.” Ruki sympathised. A shared sentiment though I know I’ve probably been the whore in many stories such as Aoi's. I don't want to be a heartbreaker, but it's not my fault if a client is cheating on a loved one either.

“Yeah. I wanted to kill them both.” Aoi explained. “Well let’s just say I realised it wasn’t his fault. Not my friend, the prostitute. He was only doing his job. How was he too know my friend was seeing someone?”

“Well he couldn’t.” Ruki agreed cautiously. I need to be in there. These men are hopeless. Why can neither of them have a discussion without my expert guidance? Nobody is asking the right questions at all!

“Hey!” Aoi complained after finally figuring it out. “You’ve changing the subject on purpose!”

“Yep.” Ruki agreed. “But seriously. I don’t know what to do. There’s a guy and I think I have feelings for him but I’m scared that if I’m not gay and he falls for me too then I could ruin a valuable friendship.”

“Well then you need to find out your sexual orientation first.” Aoi said. His first actually intelligent response in the whole conversation.

“And how am I meant to do that?” Ruki asks.

“Have sex with a man.” Aoi replies.

“But,” Ruki stammers. “I don't want to sleep with someone I didn't know.”

“Just pay for it. Then nobody’s feelings will get hurt.” Aoi advised.

“Kai will kill me!” Ruki exclaimed. Echoing my own sentiments on the matter. Only it's Aoi I want to kill. If he dares give away my secret, our secret, he's toast.

“He’ll never know.” Aoi replied confidently.

“I don’t know.” Ruki stammered. “I’d feel weird with some stranger.”

“Oh, but he’s not a stranger.” Aoi remarked. “It’s Kouyou.”

I hear the sound of breaking glass and realize that the glass I was holding has fallen to the floor. I must have dropped it in my shock.

“What was that?” I hear Ruki ask and I know I’ve been found out.

“Just your neighborhood whore” I call out as I enter the room and scowl at my friends because one has betrayed my trust and the other obviously doesn’t trust me.

“Aoi was only joking.” Ruki explained with a smile to show he didn’t believe what Aoi had said. “I know you’re not really a whore.”

“He is.” Aoi announced, not knowing when to keep his mouth shut, or maybe he didn’t like being accused of being a liar even in his jokes.

“Why on earth did you confide in Aoi!” I scream at Ruki startling him. So he thought he was innocent in this? Whatever. Everything is his fault. If he’d confided in me like I’d asked none of this would have happened.

“Because he’s my friend.” Ruki stammered. So I'm not his friend? Pain sweeps over me like a blanket, before I was just angry. Now I'm hurt as well.

“Why can’t he confide in me?” Aoi interrupted. “Don’t you dare try and blame Ruki. He’s done nothing wrong.”

“This is all his fault!” I scream. “All of this!”

“Uruha calm down.” Aoi begged but I was already too hurt to take notice of his words.

“Fuck you!” I shout at him. “Fuck the both of you!”

“Well you’re the whore.” Aoi retorted rather childishly. I want to hit him, but I have just enough restraint not to try.

“And whore’s don’t have feelings!” I scream at him. Turning my attention at Ruki I add “or know how to keep people’s secrets apparently.” And with that I storm out of Aoi’s house.

“Wait he really is a whore?” I can hear Ruki ask Aoi just before I slam the door. Yes I am a whore you idiot. This is the last time I’m going to offer my help to anyone. All people do is throw it back in my face.


	7. Chapter 7

I’m just about to shut my car door when I see Ruki running out of the apartment building. So he followed me? I shouldn't wait for him, but I freeze in place watching him. He seems upset and I wonder for a moment if I'd been to harsh. He hadn't been the one to betray me, Aoi had. Still I am angry with him, so I glare as he slips into the passenger seat of my car. It just isn't in me not to hear him out and there's part of me that's afraid. If I leave now who's going to stop Ruki going straight to Kai and Reita with everything he has just learned?

“Something else you’re not going to tell me because obviously I’m so untrustworthy?” I sulk. My own words making me feel pathetic. Kai trusts me and I’ve hidden the truth from him. Who am I to judge others for keeping secrets?

“Kouyou please listen to me. I only asked Aoi’s advice because I thought he’d be-” Ruki tried to explain. I wasn't in the mood to listen.

“What? Trustworthy? Smarter? A better friend?” I finish for him.

“More understanding.” Ruki finished. “I was afraid you’d just say “well go fuck Reita then” and that would be it and I don’t want to hurt him and, well you must have overheard the rest?”

“Give me more credit than that.” I complain. Does he really think I’m that tactless? “I'm good at relationships you know.” Am I though? I'm good at sex and understanding people but that's not really the same thing at all.

“You’re one of the most perspective ones here. You’re the only one who noticed I had feelings for Reita.” Ruki said with a small smile. As if finally admitting it to me makes up for his lack of trust. Damn him, he’s right. This was all I wanted. Ruki to confide his secrets with me. Once again I remind myself who is the one who actually upset me.

“So you admit it?” I ask and he nods.

“But I don’t even know if I’m really gay. I don’t want to end up breaking his heart or anything.” Ruki sighed staring out of the front window of my car.

“Well don’t think I’ll be letting you pay me so you can find out.” I announce firmly, before he seriously decides to take on Aoi’s advice. I shouldn't even be sleeping with Aoi. I realise that now in more clarity than I ever had before. This relationship with him has to end.

“You’re really a whore?” Ruki asks.

“I’m trying to quit.” I reply. “but Aoi wouldn’t let me. He’s my only client but I’m dropping him when I can afford to.”

“Aoi forces you to be his personal whore?” Ruki asked shocked. He seems to be more horrified by Aoi's involvement than my own.

“I guess. But it’s not like I put up much of a resistance. I’m so weak.” I admit with a sigh.

“You’re stronger than you think.” Ruki announces and I’m about to question him on this when I see Aoi leave the building. He smiles to see us still in the car park but it soon vanishes as I drive past him. I may have room in my heart to forgive Ruki but not him. Not yet.

“You need to talk to Aoi sometime.” Ruki comments but says nothing else as I pretty much kidnap him. I’m not even sure where I’m going. Just away from Aoi.

Tears begin to fall down my face as I drive. My anger may have been directed towards both of them but it’s Aoi who’s truly hurt me. How could he tell Ruki so carelessly? Who else has he told? Does he even respect my decision to quit? He’s just like every other man I’ve slept with. After my body and nothing more. The fact that he pretends to be nice just makes it worse. He stopped my from quitting, that's not a sign of a good man.

I can barely see through my tears and pull up at the side of the road, turning of the cars ignition with shaking fingers.

“Kouyou, he’s not worth your tears.” Ruki announces firmly wrapping an arm across my shoulders. Nothing more than a friendly touch. Exactly what I need. I rest my head against his shoulder and just allow myself to feel all the pain and fear I’ve had trapped inside me so long. I don't like this arrangement with Aoi, I thought I did but I was wrong. I want to move on, I want to be a man that Kai could love. But that's not who I am at all.

“Uruha.” I mutter. “I’m Uruha The Whore. Nothing more. I was a fool to think I could change.”

“Kouyou.” Ruki replied firmly. “You’re my caring friend Kouyou who I should have known would be there to help me. I’m so sorry. I let you down didn't I? When you tried to be my friend all I did was push you aside.”

“Whores don’t have feelings.” I snap. Ruki's apology wraps around me like a blanket. He's not just saying sorry to make things right, he gets what he's done to hurt me in the first place.

“You do, you’re crying. You’re Kouyou.” Ruki firmly announces. “You’re strong and tomorrow you’re going to tell Aoi that you’ve quit.”

“I can’t,” I stammer. “I need the money. I can’t quit until we get paid and,”

“I’ll lend you money. If you’re really that short. We’re going to be famous aren’t we?” Ruki said with a smile.

“I can’t. You don’t earn that much. No offence but I just couldn’t take money from you.” I announce firmly. “I can survive on what I’ve got I guess. If I stop buying things like clothes for awhile I can afford food and rent.”

“And if you can’t you can always stay with me for awhile.” Ruki added cheerfully and I smile. Ruki really does respect me as his friend. I guess he just trusted Aoi more.

“Ok.” I agree. “I’m going to quit.”

“Good.” Ruki replied. “Because it’s about time you gained some self respect.”

“I have self respect.” I argue.

“Then why are you selling your body?” Ruki demands.

“Because I like sex and money.” I announce.

“That’s not self respect.” Ruki replied rolling his eyes. There's something very much like Kai in his attitude towards me I realise. They both hate the clients and pity the whores.

“Sure it is.” I reply and we sit in silence for awhile as we both know we’ll never agree on this.

“Why are you still my friend?” I ask.

“Why shouldn’t I be your friend?” Ruki asked. “I’m not bothered by what you do. It’s not like you're hurting anyone. Except maybe Miaka, but that’s more Aoi’s fault than yours.”

“Miaka?” I ask remembering hearing the name before. “Who is she?”

“Aoi’s girlfriend. See you don’t even know about her.” Ruki replied. He doesn't seem surprised by the fact I don't know about her. He really sees me as an innocent victim, but I know my mistakes were my own.

“What girlfriend?” I demand and Ruki gives me a look.

“The one he’s obviously been cheating on. She’s a nice girl as well.” Ruki explains and I stare at him in disbelief as the information sinks in. It had never occurred to me that Aoi was seeing anyone. I assumed he was lonely and that’s why he wanted me. I’d always thought he was a moral man. Defiantly not the type to have sex behind his partners back.

“It’s amazing what you don’t know about people.” I say in shock.

“You’re telling me?” Ruki asked and I guess he has a point. Not only has he found out one of his friends is having an affair, he's found out another is a whore.

 

“Ruki?” I ask as I park around the corner from Aoi’s apartment building so that Ruki can get his car without me being seen by The Jerk. That’s Aoi’s new name, The Jerk. “If you want to know for sure give me a call.”

“You’re quitting.” Ruki announced firmly.

“That’s why I’ll do it with you for free. No emotional attachment just sex. Isn’t that what you want?” I ask.

“I don’t know what I want.” Ruki announces and I watch him walk away. Well it’s his call. I’m only offering because I want to help him out and this is the only way I can see how. I’m not just a whore, I’m a slut. It doesn’t bother me. So what if I want a lot of sex? It’s who I am.

Ruki is right. I should quit. Find a partner who’ll fuel my sexual needs. But until I’m in a relationship I’ll always be here for my friends. I never said I was a good person. I’m just me. But who is me? Uruha or Kouyou? Or am I somebody else, in the process of change? I can only wait and find out if I’ll end up being a man worthy of Kai.

 

Band practice the next day is difficult as I refuse to even acknowledge Aoi's presence. Of course the others notice something is wrong but when asked Ruki simply replied, “Aoi told me something about Kouyou that he wanted kept secret and he found out.” I suppose they respected my privacy or something because after a little complaining from Reita, who wanted to know what the secret was, practice carried on as close to normal as possible.

Aoi kept trying to catch me alone but I wouldn’t let him. I still didn’t want to speak to him but his determination eventually paid of and he was able to capture me coming out of the bathroom.

“Kouyou, we have to talk.” He announced firmly grabbing my arm a little too tightly.

“We all know how you like to talk.” I reply trying to pull away. He’s stronger than me though and my struggling only slows him down as he drags me into a empty room and lets go. He’s by the door so I can’t escape but that doesn’t mean I have to talk to him.

“I’m sorry I have to do this but you haven’t given me any other choice.” Aoi apologised referring to the rough way he dragged me here. Stubbornly I stand and glare at him, he can force me here but he can’t make me talk to him.

“Kouyou please.” Aoi pleads. “I’m sorry. I never thought you’d take it so personally. I figured you’d be okay with this. I guess I was wrong. Does this really have to be such a big deal?”

“You know I want to quit. You know you’re my only client. Yet you're acting like my pimp.” I state before going silent again.

“It won’t happen again.” Aoi apologised and I can tell he means it but he’s done far worse than simply offer my services to Ruki.

“You made me the other woman!” I accuse.

“I was going to break up with her.” Aoi says, only a little surprised I know. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Ruki told me.

“What? For a whore?” I scoff. “I’m not a idiot. Nobody dumps their girlfriend for somebody like me.”

“I was. When you fell in love with me.” Aoi explains. “I don’t love her you know.”

“Shut up!” I scream at him. “I don’t love you and I don't want to hear your lies! Let me go. I want to go home.”

“But I love you. Doesn’t that mean anything?” Aoi begged.

“You love fucking me.” I reply with a glare. “And I quit so that’s not going to happen anymore.”

“No you don’t.” Aoi said. There’s no hysteria in his voice. Just a calm everyday tone. No you don’t, was said as factually as somebody stating a bus time.

“I do.” I reply. “I can survive on the money I have so I quit.”

“No you don’t. You haven’t quit.” Aoi says with a knowing look.

“I quit.” I repeat. “Now let me go home.”

“Sure. But first I’m going to fuck you.” Aoi remarked causally. “After all I’ve paid for it.” With that he threw an envelope on the table which I’m assuming has my money in it. Well if I don’t touch it it’s not mine.

“Let me go.” I snap and Aoi laughs almost maniacally.

“OK.” He says stepping away from the door. I give him a suspicious look as I head out of the room. Already I know there’s a catch.

“I suppose I could always tell the others.” Aoi continues and I freeze. I know what he has before he shows me. A few years ago I made some leaflets to advertise my services and posted them around town. They're all gone now, or so I thought. As I turn my attention to the paper in Aoi’s hand I see a photocopy of one of them. My own younger self stares back at me and my heart sinks. It’s so obviously me that I can’t even claim they were forged. If I leave the others will find out. Aoi will see to that. He’s blackmailing me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“Aoi, why are you doing this to me?” I say, ashamed at how pitiful my own voice sounds.

“You shouldn’t have tried to quit.” Aoi said coldly.

“You always knew I planned to.” I reply. “I hate you.”

“Right now I don’t care if….” Aoi begins only to be interrupted by Kai’s entry into the room. To my relief the leaflets are already back in Aoi’s bag so there’s no chance Kai will see them.

“Have you two made up? Only we have to leave the building now.” Kai explains.

“We’re coming to an understanding.” Aoi replies with that sweet innocent smile of his.

“Good.” Kai replies. “Come on, we’d better be getting out of here. Reita, Ruki and I were going to go to the cinema. Want to come?”

“No thanks. Kouyou was going to come to my house so we can talk things through further.” Aoi replies sweetly. Once again the nice guy I thought I knew. I've really seen his true colours now.

“Sure. I hope you two are getting on tomorrow. I hate to see my friends fight.” Kai says with a friendly honest smile. I can’t help but wonder if it’s as fake as Aoi’s own.

“I hope so too. Right Kouyou?” Aoi asks.

“Right.” I agree less than enthusiastically. He’s already won. There’s nothing I can do. Reluctantly I pick up the envelope and follow my two band mates out of the building.

“See you at my place.” Aoi says with a wink.

“I’m not so sure I can come after all.” I say, completely aware of the look Kai is giving me.

“But we were going to discuss which of your secrets I can tell the others.” Aoi replied. “After all we don’t want me letting Kai know things that should just be between the two of us.” A thinly disguised threat. ‘Come or I will tell Kai’ is the real meaning of the words.

“I just hope this ‘secret’ isn’t something I should know.” Kai muttered as he wandered of to get in his car. I feel sorry for him. He so clearly wants to know but his own morals won’t let him ask. If only I could tell him. No I can’t. It’s not an option.

“I can only stay an hour.” I tell Aoi as I too walk of to my own car. I’d planned to go shopping tonight but I guess that’s out of the picture now.


	8. Chapter 8

Is it rape when you’ve been blackmailed into having sex with a man you can’t stand? Probably. Does being paid alter these facts? Could I just go to the police? No then people would know. It’d be in the papers. Nobody has any pity when a whore gets raped anyway. They just say that they deserved it. That it's a hazard of the profession. They should have known better. Who would have pity for a man like me?

Am I just such a horrible person that I deserve anything thrown my way? That's all I can think about as Aoi takes his pleasure from me. At least he’s not hurting me. Not physically. I’m chained down to his bed but he’s still being gentle. Maybe it’s just because he himself doesn’t like it rough? He’s that selfish I’m inclined to believe it. Maybe he’s only being gentle because it gives him pleasure. He probably enjoys slipping his fingers inside me one by one. Watching me squirm.

He can’t see my tears, my face is buried in his pillow. It smells of him, of his aftershave. A few days ago I actually liked this smell. I considered buying it for myself. But not any more. Now it just makes me feel helpless and trapped. The smell of confinement

I’m being a good whore. I’m making all the right sounds in just the right places. He probably thinks I’m enjoying this. It’s not like he can see my grief stricken face. I should fight and scream, but I can't. Being calm is my way of holding onto my dignity. I won't degrade myself by making a scene. Aoi is degrading me enough.

And then he’s inside me causing me unwanted pleasure. I don’t want to feel this. I want it to hurt. The pleasure just confuses things. I can’t deny I like sex. Why can’t things be like they were before? When I didn’t know Aoi’s true nature and still believed he’d let me quit when I wanted too? I want to go back to living the lie.

 

When I get home I sink into my couch in the dark. I haven’t even bothered turning on the lights. I want it dark. It suits my mood. I can still feel where he’s touched me. The spot where he came. I feel dirty despite my long shower at his place.

I hit the vodka hard, straight from the bottle. I suppose it’s okay to drink away my sorrows just this once. I’m loosing my sense on reality. The world is spinning but it always has been, I’ve never been in control.

There’s knocking on my door. I want it to go away but it doesn’t and eventually I open it to find Ruki standing on my doorstep. I think he’s drunk too, it’s hard to tell.

“I need to know.” Ruki announces. “I need to know if I’m gay. Will you help me? Please? Just once? I’ll pay. This is all I have right now.”

“That’s barely half.” I reply counting the money.

“I’ll get you the rest.” Ruki promises.

“Are you drunk?” I ask. I remember it was him who begged me to quit. It's ludicrous that he's trying to pay me.

“A little.” Ruki laughs.

“I told you I’d do you for free.” I reply handing back his money. “But not when you’re drunk.”

“I’m not so drunk I’ve lost my mind.” Ruki replies. I'm not so sure, but I'm hardly sober enough myself to judge another. I should be turning him away. I have no excuses to wanting sex so soon. Only, it'll be different with Ruki won't it? Ruki who actually cares about Kouyou for no other reason than being my friend.

“I’m going on top.” I announce as I walk into my bedroom, leaving him to do things like shut the door and turn on the lights. I’m too depressed and drunk to care about anything right now. I just want to experience some kind of affection. Anything to make this pain go away.

Nervously Ruki enters my room and sits on the edge of the bed. He’s waiting for me to lead and I do. Silently I slip my arms around his waist and sit behind him. One leg either side of his small body. I can smell the faint smells of shampoo and alcohol from him and find it's a nice honest smell. It makes me realise just how much I need this. Something simple and honest. For the first time in my life I’m not having sex because I’m a whore. I’m just being a slut and what’s so bad about that?

We sit frozen for a couple of minutes. Ruki on the edge of my bed with me behind him, one leg on either side of the vocalist. I’ve never held somebody before. Not like this. I’ve never truly cared about anyone I slept with, except maybe Aoi. He never let me take control though and why should he? He was paying me to do his bidding. Ruki’s different than anyone I’ve had before and not just because he’s agreed to be submissive.

“Uruha?” Ruki asks prompting me to make my move. I start of slowly and kiss his neck. Already a small moan escapes his lips and I realise he’s either very vocal or just sensitive there. My kisses continue and a few more moans escape his lips. They’re beginning to turn me on a little, but the thought of him moaning like this beneath me turns me on even more. It’s not long before my erection is pressing against him but I ignore it. It’s not time for my pleasure yet.

I suppose I’m just too used to satisfying others, it doesn’t matter. My hands slide under Ruki’s t-shirt, my fingers teasing his nipples, I let my tongue dart out and lick his neck. Every move I make seems to bring out a reaction from Ruki, if only in the way he moves.

His t-shirt is flung to the floor as I pull it out of my way and I move my kisses from his neck onto his back. He’s so beautiful, if only he was my type. Why can’t I fall in love with him and not Kai? I’d have no problems seducing Ruki away from Reita. I know how to play that game. I could make Ruki mine but he's not the man I need. I want Kai with every fibre of my body, but I don't deserve a man like him so I push the thought aside. Being in love makes seduction harder anyway. I always feel so nervous around Kai, so insecure. I want to make him happy but how can I? He’s such a moral man and I’m just a whore.

Like the whore I am, I undo Ruki’s trousers and slip my hand into his boxers. I’m good at this and it isn’t long before Ruki’s seriously moaning in front of me. The thought crosses my mind that Ruki’s probably going to regret this in the morning but I’m selfish and I don’t care.

Ruki moans and gasps as I stroke him and I smirk and whisper dirty things into his ear. I tell him what I’m planning to do to him, how he feels in my hand, how his moans make me so hard. It’s turning me on just as much as him and I ache to be inside him. It doesn’t help how his body moves against me just a little as I give him pleasure. This is no good. I’m never going to be able to finish giving him pleasure this way.

“Uruha don’t stop!” Ruki begs as I let go and move away from him.

“I’m going to suck you off. Would you like that? Would you like your big hard cock in my nice warm moist mouth?” I whisper as I drop to my knees on the floor before him.

“Mmm” Ruki agrees. Even his moan is full of desire but it’s not enough.

“Beg me.” I whisper as I begin to slowly remove my shirt and let it fall behind me.

“Uruha please.” Ruki begs. I don’t know what comes over me now. I grow power mad. I need more than just those words. It’s cruel and I know I shouldn’t but I carry on anyway.

“Please what?” I ask as I let my hand wander over my chest, moving just a little too far south and having to bite back a gasp a my fingers brush over my far too sensitive penis. Is this how Aoi feels when he controls me? I understand him better now than I ever had before. We're just two egotistical men taking what we want, regardless of the consequences.

“Please suck me off.” Ruki begs sounding almost pitiful.

“Describe it.” I whisper, my lips now fractions away from his erection.

“I want your lips to wrap around me.” Ruki gets out, looking slightly embarrassed to even confess this. I'd half forgotten this was his first time with a man.

“And then?” I ask, letting my lips brush over the very tip as I talk.

“I want you to suck me and lick me and make me cum.” Ruki gets out speaking quickly, an obvious sign of his embarrassment. I take pity on him and do as he asks. Once again his moans fill the room and it’s not long until he comes into my mouth. I happily swallow his fluids as I’ve done that before the watchful eyes of lustful men, why not my friend?

“Lie down.” I order as I give him a little space and he obeys. I quickly throw of my clothes and pull Ruki’s trousers off his body. They had fallen down to his ankles anyway thanks to my wandering hands before.

I’m feeling lazy and selfish and want to penetrate him right there and then, but I refrain. He’s a virgin, at least with men, and I want him to enjoy this. So out comes the lube and I prepare him gently, forcing myself to take my time.

“This feels so weird.” Ruki comments but he makes no complaints and doesn’t sound like he’s in too much discomfort so I carry on. Amused more than aroused by the facial expressions he makes as my fingers stretch him.

“This may hurt a little but it’ll be pleasurable soon enough.” I promise him as I remove my fingers from his body. There seems to be enough lube in him anyway but still I take the preparations of lubing myself. You can never be too careful when taking a virgin.

“I can handle anything you give to me.” Ruki announced sounding all macho and stubborn. But his eyes are filled with a nervous fear and I know I’m right to be careful.

I slowly slip inside to his body. He’s so tight, it’s amazing. I never dominate anyone, well hardly ever. Oh god this is so good. So good I almost forget he’s a virgin and try to pound into him. His moan stops me and I manage to have some self control. I smile down at him as he lies on the bed, his legs wrapped around me, clinging on.

We move in harmony and I come before I’d like. I obviously need more practise being on top.

“That’s amazing. You’re amazing.” Ruki gasps and I smile shyly at him. Thank god he’s a virgin and doesn’t realise I came just a little too soon.

“Do men always come so soon when with a man?” he asks. “Only I usually last longer when I’m with a woman and…”

“Shut up!” I snap harshly. He didn’t mean to offend me but he has anyway.

“Sorry.” Ruki apologises as he realises his mistake. He looks up at me from where he’s lying on the bed. I must look a sight standing here naked with my arms crossed in an obvious sulk. “You were amazing,” he adds trying to soften the blow.

“I’m used to being in your position.” I explain. “I’m also drunk.”

“That makes two of us.” Ruki announces proudly. “And tired.”

“Yeah.” I agree, knowing my need for sleep is causing me to be over sensitive about these things.

“Can I sleep here with you?” Ruki asks and I nod sleepily. Now Ruki has mentioned that he’s tired I can’t help but feel exhausted. I’m too tired to care about what Ruki thinks of me in bed anyway. I know I’m good, it’s why I get paid so much. So I’m better at being submissive, big deal.

I collapse on my bed and Ruki turns off the light. There’s a pause before he gets in my bed, maybe he’s nervous, but when he gets in he wraps an arm around me and we sleep together resembling something close to a loving couple. We both know tomorrow we will return to being just good friends, but that’s okay. We’re together now, at least physically. I don't even care about the rules I’ve broken because those rules belong to Uruha and I left him behind the second I hit the vodka.


	9. Chapter 9

Morning comes and with it a hangover. I groan and pull away from Ruki’s embrace as I head to the kitchen for a glass of water. I read somewhere that most hangover symptoms are actually just dehydration and water almost always helps. Especially when accompanied with some pain killers.  
I return to my room and Ruki is sitting up in bed looking sleepy and depressed. Is this why I don't stay to the morning? Sex was wonderful last night, but it's hard to remember that when I'm faced with the consequences today.  
“Hangover or regretting what we did?” I ask, wondering why he’s so obsessed with hiding his nudity. I’ve already had a full frontal view. What does he have to hide?  
“A little of both. We shouldn’t have done that.” Ruki whispered sounding almost afraid. What is he afraid of though? Maybe I'm just imagining this?  
“I probably would have said no if I’d been sober.” I respond. Not an apology for taking advantage of him but an explanation. I don't feel I should have to apologise. I have no doubt in my mind that he was enjoying himself. We both got something out of last night, it was far from a one sided thing.   
“It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have come.” Ruki complained. He's regretting the sex I realise. I never thought that was possible. At least it's not something I have ever done. But I'm a slut and a whore, what do I know about saying no? I couldn't even say no to Aoi, even though I think I might just hate him now.   
“It was fun.” I reply with a shrug. “I have no expectations from you and now you must be closer to deciding on your sexuality. See it as a positive. I’m hardly going to judge you and I won’t mention this to anyone. You have no need to feel bad.”  
“I guess.” Ruki said doubtfully. “You’re really alright to just pull on your clothes and carry on as if nothing happened?”  
“I did it for my living for years.” I said with a shrug. The way he describes it makes it sound like something wrong, but isn't this how most animals function?  
“So I’m just a client?” Ruki asked sounding hurt. I want to snap at him now. Is there no pleasing him? What is it that he even wants me to say? He's in love with Reita and I'm in love with Kai. We had sex, and now Ruki knows he can enjoy being with a man. Why is he being like this?   
“No. You’re my friend. I love you as a friend, if you want more I could try, but we both know your heart belongs to Reita.” I end up replying. He really has left me clueless as to how I should react.   
“It does.” Ruki admitted quietly. “Kouyou, I’m definitely gay. I’m sure of it. Can you keep that quiet too?”  
“Of course.” I promise without thinking about it. It goes without saying that I won’t spread Ruki’s secret. For one thing he knows far more incriminating information about me. What if he tries to black mail me too? No he wouldn’t do that, would he? I was sure Aoi was a nice guy and look what happened with him. How did I know Ruki was any better? Was I walking into the exact same trap with him?   
I try to ignore these thoughts and smile at Ruki sympathetically. “There’s pain killers in the kitchen.” I tell him and he nods still seeming sad. He doesn't get up, still hiding beneath my bedsheets sulking. I'm no good with people when they're sad, never mind when I don't understand why either.   
“What if Reita’s straight?” Ruki asks and finally I understand the true reason for his depression. He’s not bothered by his hangover or what’s he done, so much as what this means for his love life.  
“Tell him or try and seduce him. The worst he’ll do is turn you down. We all have out hearts broken sometimes, but if you don’t risk heart break you’ll never find love.” I reply more or less copying something I saw on TV. I've never tried it myself but it seems to have made Ruki think.  
All off a sudden Ruki gets out of bed and hugs me tightly. I stand there confused as our naked bodies press together wondering what’s suddenly got into him. I half expect him to suddenly demand a second round, or perhaps that is just wishful thinking?   
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had!” Ruki announces, I'm sure he's exaggerating but I let that slide. “You know exactly what to say. If you ever have a problem I want you to come straight to me.”  
“Sure.” I lie as I watch him leave the room to hunt down the pain killers I left out for him. I can’t tell him about Aoi, he won’t be able to fix it and he has enough problems of his own. I have never felt so alone before, and it makes me depressed. With a sigh I begin to strip the dirty bedclothes that have become stained from my bed. I knew there was another reason I never had sex in my own home.

Ruki doesn't stay around longer than to have a quick shower and eat a bowl of cereal, even that makes him complain because it's not coated with sugar or chocolate. At least things seem easier between us now. All he can talk about is Reita and I don't blame him. There's no jealousy within me, I really don't want Ruki as anything more than a friend. Besides, when you have one man chasing after you and another that you love there really isn't room for anyone else romantically.   
I let Ruki out, placing a friendly kiss on his cheek as he leaves. I think I’ve just made a friend, not a casual one but one I can really trust. Then I remember Aoi and I frown. What if Ruki is as bad? What am I meant to do?   
In the end I shower and get dressed, finding a distraction in the form of a text message when I'm done. Kai wants to come over to check on my food supplies. He's such a worrier, just because I can't cook doesn't mean I starve myself. Seriously, does Kai really think I'm so helpless? I invite him over anyway with wicked thoughts running through my mind. I want to seduce Kai, I long to have him between the sheets. Only the sheets are in the wash and I'm not deserving of a man like Kai yet.   
Passing the time I begin to list all the things I need to do before I can seduce him. Quit been a whore and stop sleeping with my friends. Well Ruki was a one time thing, but it wasn't the kind of thing Kai's boyfriend would do. I should learn to cook, Kai values cooking as a skill and I'm hopeless. Learn to be tidier, think before I speak, stop keeping secrets and stop drinking so much. Kai should have a sweet loving boyfriend. The kind who helps others and never thinks of themselves. Maybe I should start some charity work?   
The doorbell distracts me from my thoughts and I hurry over to let Kai in. He greets me formally, but I wrap him in a hug and plant a kiss on his cheek. He seems stunned and I find myself blushing. I've never shown affection towards Kai before I realise. I'd always been to nervous. This is Ruki's influence, I'm still relaxed and friendly because that's the mood he left me in.   
“I'm guessing you have nothing left to eat.” Kai teased.  
“I have plenty.” I argue but Kai doesn't believe me. Turns out I didn't actually have a lot of food in and he turns on me with a knowing smile.  
“This is plenty?” Kai demanded. “You could have warned me you had nothing in.”  
“I have cereal.” I protest. “Maybe I was going to go to the supermarket and cook a feast?”   
“You're such a liar.” Kai informs me. He's joking, he doesn't mean it, but it cuts close to the bone. I am lying to him, about so much, but I think lying to him is better than telling the truth.   
“I'm sorry.” I apologise. Not for the lack of food, but for being who I am. I know Kai won't understand, but I feel better for apologising anyway.   
“I didn't expect any better.” Kai confessed. “How you're so hopeless at cooking I don't know.”   
“I just eat out.” I protest. “I can do other things myself. See, the washing machine is on.”   
“I never said you couldn't take care of yourself.” Kai replied. “Are you mad at me? I didn't mean to upset you.”  
“You can never upset me.” I reassure him.   
“OK then. Shall we go to the shop?” Kai suggested. “I'll cook you enough meals to last for awhile.”  
“Why do you do this?” I ask.   
“Because you're my friend and I care about the rubbish you must be eating.” Kai replied. “And because I love to cook, and you make a convenient outlet for my hobby.”  
“I see.” I reply. “Just let me fetch my boots.”   
“OK.” Kai agrees and I retreat to my bedroom, surprised when he follows. The last two band mates to have entered here had wanted my body, but I doubted Kai had any such intentions. “Wild night?”   
“What?” I stammer as I pull the boots out from under the bed. It's only then I realise that the unmade bed, towels dumped in the corner and the lube still set out says it all. Why hadn't I thought to hide the evidence?   
“It's OK, you don't need to be ashamed.” Kai reassured me. He thinks I'm embarrassed, to my own surprise I realise I am. I don't want Kai to know I have sex with other men. It's hardly like he wants me sexually, so he wouldn't get jealous, but I just don't want him to know.   
“I'm not.” I reply stubbornly.   
“Unless, it was your hand?” Kai teased.   
“This body doesn't have to resort to masturbation.” I inform him, storming out of the bedroom knowing Kai will be confused. Even I don't understand my own behaviour.   
“Do you like spicy food?” Kai asks me, and I turn surprised by the question. I realise he's changing the subject and I happily answer his food related questions as we head towards my car. I don't want to talk about my sex life and neither does Kai. At least when it comes to this we're completely in sync. 

“Have you ever worn lipstick?” I ask Kai as we browse the make-up aisle in the supermarket. I wanted some concealer originally, something I'm not ashamed to admit I wear, but then I decide I want a full set. Rock stars wear make-up and we had a live coming up.   
“No.” Kai replied. “Do you even know what you're doing?”  
“Sure, I have sisters.” I reply. “I was pretty much their living doll as a kid.”   
“I bet you'd make a really cute doll.” Kai replied with a smile. He hasn't made fun of me wanting to wear make-up, perhaps he just assumes it's what all gay men do? That or he's on the same page of me, celebrities need to take care of their appearance.   
“I'm not a doll.” I scold him, selecting a dark red shade that's almost black. Uruha might be a doll though, a living breathing sex doll.   
“Sure you are. A cute dress, lolita maybe, your hair up in pig tails, I can see it now.” Kai teased. I glare at him, he may be my crush but he's not going to tease me like this and get away with it.   
“And what would you do if I did dress like that?” I demand. That stunned him. He hadn't expected me to challenge him.   
“I don't know.” he admits. I'm curious now so I head into the nearby clothes section and select the most feminine dress I can find.  
“Kouyou, what are you doing?” Kai asks. I wink and pull off my t-shirt, right there in the middle of the shop. People are watching me and I don't care. The dress is on me in no time, I must look ridiculous with my jeans on underneath, but Kai can only stare at me wide eyed. “You're insane.”  
“So, am I a doll?” I demand. He doesn't answer though, simply stepping closer and locking his lips over mine. I pull back stunned. This can't be happening, it's not how things are meant to go. I can't have Kai, I don't deserve him. I pull away, scared now of what I might do if I touch him for even a second longer. “You can't kiss me.”  
“I'm sorry.” Kai apologised. “I got carried away.”   
“It's OK.” I reassure him. It's not though, it's far from it. How am I meant to resist Kai now that I know he likes me back? No wonder he's been cooking for me, visiting me all the time, inviting me to everything and asking for my advice. Kai has a crush on me. I was blind before but I see it clearly now. I want to tell him everything, that I love him, that I want to be with him, that he's my god. I don't though. Instead I get out of the dress, and place my t-shirt back on while Kai watches silently. When I'm done Kai asks me if I was finished with the make-up and we continue my shopping as if nothing had happened. We've both very much aware that something had though. The kiss is the elephant in the room and I wonder just how long it can be ignored.


	10. Chapter 10

“I’m sorry I had to threaten you.” Aoi apologised as he greeted me. He actually looks sorry but I don't believe it, not after the series of texts he sent me to get me to come here. I knew I couldn't avoid him forever, but a day or two longer would have been nice.  
“Then stop. Let me quit.” I reply coldly. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be doing this, but I have no choice. I remember my day with Kai, the kiss we had shared and remind myself that he's the one I'm trying to protect by being here. I no longer care about myself or about the band. Kai's friendship means everything to me and I won't let Aoi take that away, no matter how many times I have to be with him. That doesn't mean I have to like it either.   
“I can’t do that.” Aoi explained. “I love you Uruha. I can’t lose you. So unless you love me too, or agree to be my boyfriend, then you’re going to have to let me pay you for sex. Off course I could always tell Kai, but let’s face it, it’s better for both of us if he never finds out.”  
“You don’t love me. If you loved me you’d let me be happy.” I reply with a glare. Who does he think he's trying to fool? He's obsessed with me, I can see that clearly now, but that's not the same as love. “You’re cold and selfish and I’m beginning to wonder if you even have a heart.”  
“Oh Uruha. Have I ever done anything to hurt you? You’re the one who chose to be a prostitute not me. You can’t blame the client for wanting to pay the whore.” Aoi remarked. “Now come on. No more arguments. I’ve prepared an outfit for you in the spare room. Go put it on. Be a good boy.” I give him another glare but follow his orders. I have no choice. At least he is paying for me. And he has a point. I was the one who started this career. He’s only stopping me from quitting. What is one client anyway? Without the money this would just be a relationship. Could I do this? If I call it a relationship in my head would everything be OK? Could I just accept his money like a normal person accepts his boyfriends gifts?  
Maybe. If it wasn’t for Kai, I could just have Aoi as my only client and keep my self respect, but I’m in love. Or at least lust. I have feelings for Kai and what I have with Aoi will destroy any chance I have of ever being the man he deserves. Yet if I stop doing this then Kai will find out the truth. I’m never going to have Kai am I? This is the best I will ever have. Maybe I should just be happy with my lot in life. Things could be worse.  
Like promised Aoi has left an outfit out for me and I slip into it reluctantly. A loose white feminine blouse, a black leather miniskirt, high heels and a black leather thong. I feel so restricted as I dress. The skirt is so tight I can barely walk, and in the mirror I can actually see a bulge where my crotch is pushing against it. I really don’t want to put on the shoes too but I do and now I really don’t think I can walk. I take a few hesitant steps and it’s not as bad as I feared. I just have to be really careful not to trip and fall. Why is he making me dress like this? Wearing women's clothes was something I did with Kai. The association with him has already gone.   
There’s some make-up out too so I put it on, deliberately going for the feminine appearance I know Aoi expects. I’ll charge him extra for this. He can’t argue with me, he already knows it costs extra for this kind of thing. Maybe I should raise my prices beyond what he could afford? No that won’t work. I’m already expensive and to raise my prices that high would be seen as a deliberate attempt to disobey him. I just can't win.   
Satisfied that I can’t make myself look any more feminine I carefully walk out into the living area where Aoi is waiting. He’s removed his shirt and shoes and is dressed in a pair of black jeans. Just ordinary jeans, he's not making an effort at all. I admire his chest without really thinking about it. Besides it’s better to try and enjoy myself. I love sex and focus on that. If I block out everything else I could even have fun. I've slept with men far less appealing than Aoi before.   
“You should grow your hair.” Aoi comments critically. “But no matter. This will do for now.”  
“My hair is already long.” I reply with a frown. I don't like that he's trying to control my appearance like this. Dressing up is one thing, but I won't grow my hair for him.   
“Yeah, for a man.” Aoi confirmed. “Now come here my little slut. Let's have some fun.” With no answer on my part I walk up to him, more comfortable in my heels now. “We’re going to have fun tonight.” Aoi promised me before he kissed me gently, but it's also controlling. His hands roamed down my back, one slipping under the skirt and across my bare ass before I feel a light tug at the thong. But then his hand is back on my back and it occurs to me he was only checking to make sure I was wearing everything he had laid out for me.  
“Now what should I do to you?” Aoi whispers into my ear. “I know. Go lie on the table in my dining room.” I nod as I obey wondering why he isn’t following me. Something really is off with him tonight. I thought I knew what he had wanted, now I'm not so sure.   
The table is hard and uncomfortable, but I lie still on my back as I wait for Aoi to enter the room. He arrives about a minute later and without a word walks up and gently removes my shoes. Taking my ankle he lifts up my leg causing the skirt to ride up. He slowly lays a trail off kisses from my ankle up my leg, or downwards considering my position. He continues to my thigh and I can feel his cheek brushing across my crotch making me want to whimper, well maybe for somebody else but not him.  
He pulls back and smirks as he lets my ankle go and simply watched me lie on the table for a moment as he considers what to do to me. Making his decision he gets up onto the table too and straddles me. His crotch is only millimetres away from mine but then he pushes himself down and begins to rub into me. I look up at him and let out a whimper of pleasure and pain as I feel myself pushing hard against that already skin tight thong.  
The rubbing stops and is replaced with Aoi thrusting against me, I can feel his own erection against mine and try to draw away from the force. I feel suffocated and it hurts to have him pushing so hard against me. I can’t help but begin to whimper and too my relief Aoi goes back to rubbing against me for awhile before slipping off me and standing beside the table.   
“Get on your hands and knees.” Aoi requests and I silently obey. I’ve finally figured this out, it’s not about sex at all. Aoi just wants to have me submit to him. He wants to control me and I have no choice but to let him.  
“You're so beautiful.” Aoi whispers as he slowly walks around the table admiring me. “Your full lips, the arch of your back, the way that thong slides into your ass. I want to fuck you so hard right now. Can I Kouyou? Can I fuck you until you scream for mercy?”  
“Do I have a say in the matter?” I ask him, wanting to scream at him for using my real name. He knows to keep the two sides of my life separate, he's doing this to hurt me and I swear to myself not to let him have that victory over me as well.  
“I want you to be happy in my company. It hurts me to know you don’t really want to be here.” Aoi complains.  
“Well what do you expect when you blackmail people?” I demand.   
“You need room to breath” Aoi comments ignoring my accusation. Slowly and carefully I feel him removing my underwear and I have to stop myself sighing in relief as the tight confinement is lifted from my crotch. The cool air of the room feels liberating and I don’t even mind when Aoi’s finger traces along where the material had once been. Finding my entrance he pushes it inside me and I finally begin to enjoy myself. This is what I’m used to, this is what I enjoy. I close my eyes and let out a small moan of delight as he catches my sensitive spot, I don’t even mind the lack of lube.  
He removes his fingers and I wait for what I know comes next. It doesn’t take long for Aoi to remove his clothes and position himself behind me. He slides in easily enough and I realise that he must have lubed his erection at some point. It doesn’t really matter when. He starts out fast and gets harder making reality of his promise to make me cry out. I won’t beg for him to slow down. I won’t. I can handle this. The pain isn’t too bad.  
“Aoi slow down.” I beg as it gets too much. “Please Aoi…. Please…” Why won’t he stop? Since when has he enjoyed hurting me? Why is he doing this? Didn't he claim to love me? “Please. I’ll be yours.” I whisper as a single tear slides down my face. Maybe if I give in, accept my defeat, he'll have mercy? Maybe we can go back to what we had before.  
“Will you?” Aoi whispers as he slows down. I can barely hear him.  
“I won’t put up a fight. I’ll be your whore.” I whisper letting the teas flow silently down my face.  
“You’re a good boy.” Aoi tells me as he continues at a much more steady pace. I feel his hand take my erection and begin to rub me. Letting my emotions wash over me I simply enjoy the sex. There’s one good thing I can say about Aoi, he’s amazing in bed, or on the table as the case may be. “But if I catch you kissing Kai again, I may just forget to play nice.”  
I shudder as I realise that he saw us. That he knows who it is I have feelings for. He's gone mad with jealousy tonight. The skirt, the pain, it's all because Kai kissed me. I should have realised before, but there's a lot of things I should have done and it's far to late to fix that now. 

Eventually Aoi allowed me to return home and I lock the door behind me. Aoi mood tonight meant he kept playing with me for hours. We’d had sex three times before he eventually decided to let me go home. Maybe he’d finally got me submissive enough? Or perhaps he’d just got tired and had more in store for me tomorrow. I’d had to agree to go off course. I’ve promised him now that I’ll be his. I’m disgusted at myself but what else could I have done?  
Throwing the money in a drawer I notice that the light on my phone is flashing that I have a message. It’s Ruki and listening to him makes me smile. He needs help determining Reita’s sexuality before he makes his move and wants my advice. Maybe helping Ruki with his problems will help me forget mine? I call him back and we talk for a good hour, about Reita, about music and about life in general. His problems are far easier to deal with than my own. I wish I had his life, but at least I get to watch it from the sidelines.   
“It's late, I should go.” Ruki finally says and I wish him a good night before hanging up the phone and retreating to my own bedroom. I washed at Aoi's house, and for once I don't care about brushing my teeth. I just want to escape from reality, if only for a little while. Maybe in my dreams I'll get to be with Kai?


	11. Chapter 11

“Hi guys.” I greet everyone with a bright smile as I arrive for band rehearsal. I’m the last one here once again, but at least I’m not late.

“You seem happy,” Kai comments and I just shrug. One thing you should know about me, I only actually look this happy when I’m hurting inside. I place a smile on my face and carry on as if nothing is wrong, like a mask to hide my pain. When I’m genuinely happy I look more content or pleased. It hurts me that Kai can’t see that the smile is fake, but at the same time it’s a relief. I can’t have him asking questions.

“So are we going to start rehearsal?” I ask. Bury myself in the music, forget the pain. Perhaps that should be my new motto?

“You seem keen today,” Aoi remarks, the only one suspicious of my behaviour. He's the cause of my pain, he should know these smiles are fake.

“I'm going to be the next Sugizo, I have to work hard.” I declare, my facade has cracked and my anger filters into my voice slightly. Only Aoi seems to here it though.

“Let’s just practice,” Ruki comments, getting off the couch. I'm not sure if he knows what's going on, or just suffering himself and needing a distraction. I give him a look of sympathy and he smiles back. I just need to get Reita alone but it’s so hard when everyone’s here and I know Aoi is going to try and grab me before rehearsal is over and to make me go to his house. I have to talk to Reita before rehearsal is finished.

“Can’t I finish my tea?” Reita complains.

“Fine,” Kai sighs. “I’m going to set up my drums. Anyone going to help me? Uruha? You seem keen to start.”

“Sure,” I agree, getting up. I need to talk to Reita but now isn't the time. Besides, some time alone with Kai is hard to resist, even though I can feel Aoi's jealous gaze following me across the room.

 

“So how are you getting on in the band? Anyone causing you trouble?” Kai asks me casually and I give him a look. Does he know about Aoi? No, he’s just being polite.

“Everyone is great,” I lie. Kai looks at me. I think he knows I’m lying but he’s too polite too accuse me outright.

“Reita’s not bothering you, right? I know he’s said some things to you about your sexuality.”

“He’s not saying it to be mean,” I reply with a shrug. “If anything he’s just a bit on edge having me here. I think he’s scared that I’ll develop a crush on him or something, but he’s not my type at all so it kind of funny really.”

“Good,” Kai replied carefully before turning his attention back to his drum kit. I know there's something else he wants to say to me, I can even guess what, but I don't encourage him to talk to me about the kiss.

“You know now that I’m not exactly straight,” Kai explains. “Most of the time I’m only interested in women, but now and again a man comes along who’s so beautiful I just can’t say no.”

“Okay.” I reply, I don't want to talk about this. Kai knows that, why is he bringing it up.

“Look, I'm sorry.” Kai apologised. “I'm the reason you've plastered on that smile aren't I? I never should have kissed you. I knew you had a man in your life, but I went and did it anyway.”

“Kai, I'm not mad at you.” I reassure him. “I enjoyed the kiss, really I did, it just can't go any further.”

“Because you have a boyfriend.” Kai replied.

“Because I have a boyfriend.” I agree, my heart breaking as I said the words. Aoi wasn't my boyfriend, but with his power over me he might as well be. I glance over at him and he's watching me from across the room with a look that says it all. He's not happy I'm even talking to Kai, but how can he expect me to just suddenly not be Kai's friend?

 

Rehearsal runs smoothly enough, and when it's time for a break Aoi manipulates things so that he's with Kai alone. I'm worried until I hear them just talking about ordinary things. He just doesn't want me talking to Kai myself, well that's just like him isn't it?

“Hey Reita, want to go to the shop with me?” I call out knowing he normally goes to the shop across the road. I don't even know what he buys there, perhaps I'll find out today.

“Sure.” Reita agrees, he seems surprised that I'd want to hang out with him and guilt sweeps through me. I've made efforts to be friends with Ruki and Kai, but not so much him. More than finding out about his feelings for Ruki, I need to make better friends with him myself. It's funny, the old me hated the idea of getting close to people, now friends is all I want.

We leave and walk quietly to the shop, Reita waiting for me to start a conversation but now I have him alone I'm not so sure what to say to him. We enter the shop and he heads for the magazines, picking up a few before picking one to buy. I suppose I should buy something too now that I'm here? Well that magazine has Sugizo on the cover so I pick it up straight away, along with a gay porn magazine that might come in handy to have around. Reita's wandered off somewhere by this point so I go and pay and find him waiting for me outside sipping a drink that he had just bought.

“You've been friends with Ruki a long time haven't you?” I ask as he sit on the wall besides him.

“Yeah, why? You have a crush on him or something?” Reita teases me. “You seem closer than you were.”

“No, not a crush.” I reply. “Just, well we're friends, like I want to be friends with you.”

“We are friends.” Reita replies. “Aren't we?”

“Not close friends. We don't share secrets or anything like that.” I explain.

“So, Ruki knows all your secrets now does he?” Reita asks with a laugh. “Fine, let's be good friends then. Tell me a secret.”

“You have to go first!” I complain but Reita simply raises an eyebrow and takes another sip of his drink. “Kai kissed me, nobody else can know.”

“Seriously? Kai?” Reita asked, surprise written all over his features. “Actually, that isn't too surprising. He once got really drunk and hooked up with this guy. Are you too dating now?”

“No.” I reply. “We can't.”

“Why?” Reita asks but I refuse to tell him. Instead I stare at the floor, watching an ant disappear into a crack in the pavement. “Fine, what secret do you want to hear from me?”

“Does my sexuality really freak you out?” I ask. “I know you don't hate me for it, that's not what I'm asking, but you tease me all the time.”

“You're easy to tease.” Reita explained. “Have I been upsetting you?”

“No, not me.” I reply. “Maybe one of the others.”

“Kai?” Reita guessed. Actually it was Ruki, but I didn't correct him. “I'll apologise to him. I didn't mean to upset anyone.”

“You haven't answered the question.” I remind him.

“No.” Reita replied. “Your sexuality doesn't freak me out. Just, I don't know. It's complicated I guess.”

“Could you be with a man?” I ask, trying another tactic.

“I don't know. If I was in love?” Reita said with a shrug. He wants to change the subject but I won't relent and soon have the magazine open in front of him.

“What does he make you feel?” I demand.

“Like my own isn't big enough.” Reita said, giving me a look that seemed to ask 'Are you crazy?' “He's probably photoshopped though.”

“Probably.” I agree turning the page. “Him?”

“Are you trying to make me gay?” Reita demanded. “It's all you seem to want to talk about.”

“No.” I reply, but maybe I am? Not for my sake, but Ruki's. I've annoyed him though, he's already heading back to the others and I’ve lost my chance to figure him out. Disappointment fills me as I follow him, the smile on my face even more forced than it had been before.

Ruki pulls me aside when we return, and I fill in on the little I found out. I feel like I failed but Ruki smiles when I inform him Reita might go gay for love. He seems happier at least but once again I catch Aoi glaring at me. What does he want? Am I not allowed to be friendly towards anyone but him? Or maybe it's because I am friendly towards everyone but him? Well what does he expect after the way he's treated me?

“You're to come home with me tonight.” Aoi whispers to me but before I can respond Ruki distracts us both by pinning Reita down and kissing him. He pulls back, acts like it's a joke but there's chemistry between them, as clear as anything. Even as I watch Reita has figured out what I was up to, he's glancing between the two of us before grabbing Ruki by the hand and leading him somewhere private where they can talk.

“So much for rehearsal.” Kai complains. He looks jealous, the emotion doesn't suit him at all but it's my fault. Kai wanted our kiss to lead somewhere, but it couldn't and now Ruki and Reita were so clearly getting together as a couple. I was jealous too I realised, it wasn't an emotion I was familiar with at all and I didn't like it one bit.

“So what, everyone in this band is gay or something?” Aoi demanded angrily.

“What do you mean?” Kai asks. “Are you gay?”

“Bi.” Aoi confessed. “Whatever, I'm going to go find them. We're in the middle of rehearsal. They can be lovey dovey later.”

“Did you tell him about our kiss?” Kai whispers as Aoi storms out of the room looking for the others.

“He saw us.” I explain.

“And he's your boyfriend?” Kai guessed. The accusation stung, I wanted to deny it, but how could I? Not when it was almost true.

“I guess.” I reply, a single tear falling down my cheek now.

“If he's not making you happy you should end it.” Kai suggested. “Is this why it was awkward between the two of you before? Was he an ex lover you got back together with for the sake of the band?”

“You don't know anything about it and I can't tell you!” I snap, anger and pain fuelling my actions in equal measures. I can't take it, watching Ruki and Reita get together whilst I feel Aoi's influence tightening it's grip over me. It's not mature and it's not smart but I turn around and walk out. I need to be alone, just for a little while. Aoi can take it out on me some other time. I'm not going to his house tonight, and he won't find me at mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

I sit on a park bench to drink my coffee, exhausted from wandering around the shops for so long. Sometimes shopping helps me deal with stress, but all it did today was make my feet hurt. I was hungry, but I also knew I wouldn't be able to keep down anything I ate, so I hadn't bought any food. This coffee would have to do for now.

What was I meant to do? I'd walked out rehearsal and driven here so that nobody could find me. Now I was scared to go home, what if Aoi was waiting outside? What if it was Kai? I'd hurt him, he must be so stressed and worried right now. I reach for my phone, but hesitate. I can't talk to him, but not talking to him feels almost as bad.

“Uruha?” came a surprised voice and I turn to face one of my old clients. A pleasant man named Tamaki who never caused me any trouble. He looks worried now, clearly hadn't been expecting to see his favourite whore in his own home town in broad daylight.

“Tamaki.” I reply trying to sound friendly, I force the smile back on my face and feel I did a convincing job.

“I can’t believe you quit.” Tamaki complained as he sat down beside me. “You were one of the best.”

“Yeah.” I mutter. Great, another ex client who doesn't want to let me go. That's exactly what I don't need right now.

“Something wrong?” Tamaki asks and I nod without thinking. I've gotten used to being myself around my new friends, the actor within me is out of practise. “Well if you want to talk about it?” Tamaki says and I look up surprised at the offer. It wasn't what I was expecting.

“Actually I kind of do.” I reply, surprising us both. I've never been one to talk about my problems but I need too now. Ruki knows of course, but he’s too close to really talk to. I'm scared of how it might effect our friendship, Tamaki hardly knows me though. Who cares what he thinks of me? In the end I tell him everything from why I quit, to Aoi's involvement, and even my feelings towards Kai. Tamaki simply listens and makes the occasional encouragement for me to continue. Finally I finish speaking and wait for his verdict.

“I’m not so sure you’re going to like my advice.” Tamaki warns.

“That’s okay. I don’t have to follow it,” I reply and he smiles, maybe because he can see just how much better I feel just sharing everything I’ve been keeping locked up these last few weeks.

“If I were you I’d tell Kai.” Tamaki replies and before I can complain he continues. “If he’s as nice as you say he is he’ll forgive you. You quit your profession, so now it’s in the past. Tell him you’re trying to become a better person. He’ll forgive you and then Aoi has lost his power over you.”

“And what if he doesn’t?” I ask. “What if he kicks me out of the band and never speaks to me again?”

“It’s got to be better than letting Aoi blackmail you,” Tamaki comments quietly.

“I guess.” I begrudgingly agree. I don't like his advice, but it's starting to sound like my only real option.

“You’re not happy as things are now. What can you do to make it worse?” Tamaki encourages and I nod slowly in agreement.

“I’m just scared.” I admit sadly.

“Then be brave.” Tamaki replies. “I’m sorry, I have to go now. I wish I could stay and talk but we all have things we must do.”

 

When he leaves I pull out my phone and listen to the four messages waiting for me. Four messages, four band mates. It's not a coincidence. They've all called me to find out where I disappeared too.

The first is from Kai begging to know if I’m alright. He keeps reassuring me I'm not in trouble and his voice alone makes me feel safer. Perhaps this is the last time he will be nice to me, either way it's now stored in my phone.

The second is from Aoi ordering me to phone him. Yeah, like hell am I going to his house now! Not now I’ve found my way out. Who does he think he is anyway? The more I think about it the more I know Tamaki is right. No matter what Kai says, it's better than having to spend another minute with him!

The third is from Ruki and I listen as he shouts at me for storming out. I can hear Kai trying to calm him down but he has a point. I freaked out at him once for not trusting me, now I didn't trust him. I wonder if Ruki would have given me the same advice and realise that he probably would have.

The last message is simply Reita asking me if I’m alright. He makes a joke about us sharing more secrets some time and I smile as I realise that Reita really does wants me to see him as a close friend. Perhaps he already feels that way about me?

Knowing I really should be ringing Kai first, I dial Ruki’s number and pray he's not still mad at me. I plan to tell Kai, really I do, but I need Ruki to be there when I do it. He's my friend, in this moment I realise just how much I had been missing out on by not having any.

“Kouyou?” Ruki answers, he sounds relieved not mad. “Where the hell are you?”

“A few towns over.” I reply. “Is everyone mad at me?”

“Worried.” Ruki replies. “Kai said you were upset?”

“I can't carry on like this anymore.” I say, worrying Ruki even more until I reassure him I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I fill him on what Aoi has been doing, and what I have decided to do about it. I don't mention Tamaki's name. I don't want to make him jealous because I could talk to him but not Ruki.

“Well I’ve known Kai a long time and I don't think he'll be mad at you forever.” Ruki replied. “I know I’ll fight to keep you in the band anyway.”

“Who’s kicking Kouyou out?” Comes Reita’s voice from the background. He's with Ruki? That's great news. Actually when I think about it they always did hand out together a lot. It feels different this time though.

“Put Reita on.” I tell Ruki and I hear the phone been switched over.

“What on earth is going on?” Reita demands.

“I kind of need to tell Kai first.” I explain.

“But Ruki knows!” Reita complained.

“I’m sorry, I have to call Kai.” I reply smirking as I hear Reita’s complaints. “Maybe you can get the information out of Ruki but I doubt it.” I add. “Look, tell Ruki to meet me outside Kai's apartment building in an hour, OK?”

“No it’s not okay!” Reita complains. “What the hell is going on Kouyou?”

“Just come when I tell Kai.” I advice. “Only, don't invite Aoi.”

“Kouyou, don't you dare hang up on me!” Reita threatens. I hit the end call button anyway. I'm not scared of Reita. Kai though, that's a different story.

 

I pull up outside Kai's apartment to find Ruki and Reita waiting for me. I smile weakly at them and Reita gives me a look that makes it clear he hasn't forgiven me for keeping him in the dark. He'll have more to be mad at me about soon, so I ignore it and smile weakly at Ruki instead.

“It'll be all right.” Ruki reassures me as he wraps me in a hug. I cling on, surprised when Reita rests a supportive hand on my shoulder. He doesn't know, I can tell, but he knows it's bad.

“I hope so.” I reply as I finally let him go and head to the intercom, buzzing Kai's apartment and getting invited in as soon as Kai sees it's me. I'm not halfway up the stairs when Kai appears at the top. He looks so happy to see me that I can't help but smile back. It's then he notices Reita and Ruki behind me.

“Kouyou, what's going on?” Kai asks.

“Not in the hall.” Ruki interrupts and we all traipse into Kai's apartment. Naturally Kai offers us all drinks and snacks, which we accept, though not one of us eats anything.

“What's wrong?” Kai asks. “I've been so worried.”

“I'm sorry, for running out like that.” I apologise. I'm delaying telling him, and I'd have chickened out entirely if it hadn't been for Ruki gently taking my hand. “Look, I have a secret that I need to tell you. You won't like it.”

“So, the enigmatic Kouyou finally shares?” Kai teases. “Shouldn't Aoi be here?”

“No!” I exclaim. All eyes are on me now, only Ruki could have expected that kind of outburst. “Aoi can't be here.”

“It's about him.” Kai concluded. Off course he would have figured that part out.

“You know me as Kouyou, but I was once known as Uruha.” I explain. “In my old job, as a whore.”

“Uruha?” Kai repeats, glancing between the three of us as if to figure out if this was some kind of joke. The name sounds dirty when it comes from Kai, like he's calling me out for everything shameful I have ever done. In a way he is. Besides me Ruki just looks concerned, ready to defend me at a moments notice, while Reita just looks shocked.

“So like, people pay you for sex?” Reita demanded.

“Paid.” Ruki corrected. He knows about Aoi, but one bombshell at a time.

“You knew about this?” Kai demanded. I still can't tell if he's mad, he still looks confused.

“Not for long.” Ruki defends himself. “And it wasn't Kouyou who told me. It was Aoi.”

“Aoi.” Kai said with a sigh, “I should have known. Let me guess, he's your client?”

“He won't let Kouyou quit.” Ruki explains. “He threatens to tell you everything and Kouyou ran away scared. He's nothing but rapist scum.”

“Ruki only found out today.” I defend Ruki quickly. “About the last part. He has nothing to do with this. I mean, we slept together once but he didn't pay me so that doesn't count right? I'm sorry Kai, I should have said, but I thought I had things under control. That I had quit, then Aoi came and ruined everything.”

“You slept with Ruki?” Reita demanded. “When?”

“I needed to know, if I could be with you.” Ruki explained miserably, but Reita is angry now. Perhaps I'd shared too much information? Or it was all too much to handle at once? Either way, it was Reita's turn to get up and storm out of the room.

“Reita!” I call after him, catching him in the hallway outside. We share a look and head up the stairs knowing neither Ruki or Kai would come up here to find us.

“So, was he good? For you to not charge I mean.” Reita demanded.

“Ruki wasn't a client.” I reassure him. “Just, he was so scared about his sexuality and I needed comfort. We were both drunk, it's not an excuse but the truth. It's not like he cheated on you. Please don't be mad at him.”

“I'm just mad about it all.” Reita explained. “That you slept with Ruki, that Aoi was abusing you, that you didn't share with us. We would have helped you, you fool!”

“I'm sorry.” I whisper. “Please, don't take it out on Ruki. He loves you.”

“You really care about him don't you?” Reita demanded.

“Off course. He was my first real friend.” I reply and to my relief Reita accepts that. He doesn't ask any more questions about Ruki, simply wraps me in a hug before we quietly head back to Kai's apartment. Reita just needs time, but I'm still not sure how Kai will react once everything sinks in. I suppose I'm about to find out.


	13. Chapter 13

When Reita and I returned to Kai's apartment we find the two of them sat on the sofa, quietly having a conversation about me. Or at least Ruki is explaining his involvement to a poor Kai. He's still in shock, but they both smile in relief as we enter.

“Do you guys want to stay for dinner?” Kai asks. It's a strange question, but both Ruki and Reita agree. “Kouyou?”

“Are you sure you don't want me to leave?” I ask.

“You don't have to. I'm going to cook.” Kai replied as he wanders into his kitchen. If he's cooking for me he can't be too mad right?

“Kai always cooks when he's stressed out.” Ruki explains. I nod and take a seat, noting that Reita sits right besides Ruki, they look like they've been a couple forever.

“He does seem out of it.” Reita agreed. “To be honest, it's quite a shock for me as well.”

“I'm sorry.” I apologise, but they both look at me as if I'm crazy. “So, are you too together now?”

“Pretty much.” Reita agrees with a shrug, he seems thankful for the change of subject. We talk about Ruki and Reita for awhile, as if nothing had changed, though there's an atmosphere in the room and we all keep glancing over at the kitchen wondering what Kai is thinking. As I relax my hunger returns and I begin to snack on the food Kai had got out for us before.

Eventually the waiting gets too much and I wander into the kitchen and take a seat on a bar stool. Kai notices my presence, and requests I taste his sauce. It's delicious of course but I'm not here for food.

“If you need me to leave the band, I will.” I inform him. “I know you hate what I’ve done, I won't blame you if you can't forgive me.”

“I don't even want to think about what this means for Gazette right now.” Kai informed me. “I guess you can tell I'm in shock?”

“I'm sorry.” I apologise.

“It's funny really, the hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact you had sex with Ruki.” Kai confessed. “Yet when we kiss you freak out on me?”

“You're jealous.” I realise. It wasn't the reaction I had been expecting, but it was honest and from the heart. It was just like Kai to act this way, I realise. “Would it help if I told you it's because I care for you?”

“So, you don't care for Ruki?” Kai demanded. “You just use him and push him aside?”

“Ruki is my friend, but I wanted more from you.” I explain, letting Kai have his anger, even though his accusation hurt. “But I'm not a good enough man for you, that's why I stay away. You're so kind and honest. What am I? Just a whore.”

“Perhaps you should let me decide who's good enough for me?” Kai suggested. “I just need time. I know I'm hurting you, but I can't just accept this like Ruki and Reita can.”

“You said you hated whores.” I remind him. “Really I expected this to be worse.”

“What? When?” Kai demanded, but then he must have remembered our conversation. “Oh, is that what you thought I meant?”

“You don't hate them?” I ask.

“I pity them mostly.” Kai confessed. “What Aoi has done to you, I can't forgive that. If I allowed myself to think about it, then I'd be at his door right now letting my fists speak for me.”

“I couldn't imagine you beating him up.” I laugh, but Kai isn't laughing with me. Does he mean it? I decide against testing his self control. “What if I told you that I choose to do this? It was my decision. I like sex and money. It made sense. I don't see myself as a victim at all.”

“So, you enjoyed Aoi black mailing you?” Kai demanded. “Men like him, they just use people for their own pleasure. They feel because they're paying, they can do what they like. They believe they own you. You didn't even realise you were trapped until you tried to leave.”

“Kai, leave it.” Reita warned as he stepped into the room. Kai really did look like he was about to lose his temper now. It was almost terrifying seeing such a laid back man get angry like this. If Aoi stepped into this apartment right now, he would be leaving in an ambulance.

“You heard what Aoi did.” Kai informed Reita. “Doesn't it make you angry?”

“Furious, but Kouyou doesn't need any more drama tonight.” Reita commented. “We'll deal with Aoi tomorrow. Calmly and rationally. OK?”

“OK.” Kai relented. “Kouyou, can you set the table for me? Reita, you sort out the drinks.”

“Yes boss.” Reita agreed, accepting his job as I pulled open drawers and cupboards until I could find what I needed.

 

We eat dinner together and I end up sharing more of my past with them. How I became a whore, why I decided to quit and eventually even some funny stories that happened along the way. Kai seems to have calmed down a lot now, he's accepting what I was, though I'm not sure even he knows what he makes of it all.

After dinner we chat some more, but eventually Ruki and Reita leave and I'm left with Kai. I should go home too, but I'm so scared and before I can even suggest it Kai invites me to stay over.

“In the guest room,” Kai adds when he sees my startled expression. “Just, I know you're scared about Aoi and I don't think you should be alone.”

“I'll stay.” I promise, though I wonder if part of it is that he wants to keep an eye on me. Either way it's a relief not to have to go home, especially as I have somewhere warm and safe to stay.

Yet, when I'm tucked up in bed, I can't help but wonder what this means for Kai and I. I hadn't quite picked it up at the time, but surely when Kai said he wanted to be the one to decide if I was worthy of him, it meant I had a chance? Kai pitied me, saw me as a victim, but his anger had been at Aoi.

I hear footsteps outside and tense up, but it's just Kai getting water from the kitchen. I can hear the tap running, and then hear him returning to his living room. It's strange behaviour, but I wonder if he just can't sleep.

“Kai?” I call out as I join him. He's just sat on the sofa staring at the wall. “Are you all right?”

“I can't sleep.” he admits. I nod in agreement and sit down beside him.

“Anything I can help you with?” I ask.

“Seeing as you're the cause of all this stress, no.” Kai informed me. “Seriously Kouyou, you kept all that secret for so long. I knew something wasn't right about you, but I never realised what.”

“You realised it was Aoi.” I remind him. “Even Ruki didn't, and he knew more than you.”

“One point to Kai.” He joked. “You know, my real name is Yutaka, Kai is just a nickname, but it came who I was along the way. Is Uruha like that with you?”

“Uruha is a different person.” I confess. “Not in a split personality kind of way, just when I use that name I feel different. Sexier, obviously, with more freedom but no goals for the future either. They seem to fade away into dust. I don't hate being Uruha, he's a lot of fun, but I realise now just how lonely I was back then.”

“When I use Yutaka, I retreat back to a shy little boy.” Kai confessed. “I used to get bullied at school you know. I swore I would become better than all that, but really I just play the drums because it helps me overcome my inner frustrations. I was an angry kid, learning what Aoi did is bringing me back to him. I don't want to be like that anymore.”

“You refer to your other self in third person too.” I tease.

“So I do.” Kai agreed. “Well, seeing as we're sharing, I had a friend at school. A girl, who like you sold sexual favours to strangers. I never knew, not until the day she was murdered by one of her clients.”

“I'm sorry.” I say, it all makes sense now, even why Kai would have randomly brought up men who bought whores as an example of something he couldn't stand. It had seemed random at the time, now I realised to Kai this was a perfectly logical suggestion.

“You're lucky.” Kai informed me. “That you've not been hurt any worse than you have.”

“I guess I have been.” I admit. Had I been walking the line between life and death all along? I hadn't felt like I was in danger, but then I hadn't realised what a threat Aoi would prove to be either.

“You've caused us all so many problems you know.” Kai complained. “If we get famous and the media find out, your past could be a disaster. But it is the past, if it means anything I want to keep you in the band. I need to talk to Reita and Ruki off course, but you have my vote.”

“Kai.” I stammer shocked. I hadn't actually been expecting this at all. “But why?”

“You're a good person, and I believe your intentions are exactly as you claim.” Kai explained. “You're honest, even if you did keep this secret!”

“You really believe that, don't you?” I ask stunned. “That I'm a good person? You're wrong. I'm selfish, vain, a slut and former whore, materialistic and probably a bunch of other things too. You're the good man, not me.”

“Me?” Kai asked. “I have mood swings, and have to play drums daily just to control my anger. I'm not laid back, I fake it every day. I can be sadistic in the bedroom too, if I find the right partner off course.”

“You, sadistic?” I demand stunned. “I really can't picture that at all.”

“It's true.” Kai informed me. “And you know what, I think I can be selfish too. Will you sleep in my bed tonight? Just for company, I won't let you be a slut.” he finished with a wink. What he meant was he didn't want to sleep with me, it felt strange, but I nodded and followed him into the main bedroom. It was bigger than the guest room, and a lot more personal to Kai as well. I felt safe just being in here, and when we got into bed and Kai turned off the lights I knew he wouldn't break his promise to me.

I lie there in the dark, my eyes slowly adjusting until I can see him watching me. We're close, but not touching, and it's too much for me to resist. I'd been putting Kai on a pedestal, but he had his flaws too. It wasn't my decision to make if I was good enough for him, it was his, and he knew everything now. Everything important anyway.

I kiss him, and he kisses me back, and that's all it is. Just a kiss that won't go any further, not tonight anyway. He smiles and takes my hand in his beneath the covers. I finally realise just how tired I am, and I fall asleep as soon as I shut my eyes. I no longer have any fears or worries. I have nothing to hide. I finally feel like I have become Kouyou, why then am I so sad to just let Uruha go?

 

I wake up beside him, and gently push a strand of hair away from his eyes. He looks even more beautiful when he's asleep, so sweet and innocent, like an angel. I place my lips against his forehead and his eyes flutter open.

“You stayed.” he comments with a smile.

“You expected me to leave?” I ask.

“No, I don't know what I expected.” Kai admits. He shifts uncomfortably beneath the sheets and I wonder what his problem is.

“Something wrong?” I tease, making him blush.

“Let's just say not all my body wants to stay away from you.” Kai confesses. “No, you can't help with this.”

“You sure?” I tease.

“It's just been awhile since I shared my bed with anyone.” Kai admits. “Never mind anyone so beautiful.”

“You think I'm beautiful?” I ask, I'm grinning now.

“You know you are.” Kai teases. “Look, I think I'm going to have a cold shower. I won't be long.”

“Take your time!” I encourage, making Kai blush redder. Well that's just too bad, he's going to have to be a lot more sexual aware if he's with me! I try to get a look at what he has to offer as he slips out of the bed, but he takes the sheet with him so I have to use my imagination instead. I like these images, I like them very much, but I don't want to end up having to have a cold shower of my own so I get out of bed and wander into the kitchen instead. Maybe I could manage to cook him something for breakfast? Perhaps eggs, they can't be too hard right?


	14. Chapter 14

I don't want to be here, I don't want to have to face him, but here I am in our rehearsal room sitting across from Aoi. It's Ruki by my side, not Kai who has to decided to at least appear to be the unbiased leader. My own future in the band looks likely, but Aoi's doesn't. They all keep using the word rape, as if I was just an innocent victim in it all. I don't believe I was innocent, but I don't have it in me to defend Aoi either. He hurt me, that at least I know was wrong.

“So, what's up?” Aoi asked as he looks between us all, his eyes land on Ruki's hand entwined in mine and he gives me a look that would have sent shivers down my spine a few days ago. Now I know he has no power here, I just give him a weak smile.

“I'm going to give you a chance to confess.” Kai announces, his tone harsh and his demeanour cold. I know now he's holding his temper in check, and that Reita is ready to leap between them at a moments notice.

“Confess?” Aoi repeats, he glances at me but I refuse to make eye contact. He knows I’ve told, he just isn't sure how much.

“There has been a serious allegation made against you.” Kai informs him.

“What?” Aoi demands. “What kind of allegation?”

“You're not going to confess, to what you've been doing with Kouyou?” Kai demands.

“We all know,” Reita interrupts. Kai's so angry, but at least it's a cold anger that he has under control. I don't want to see him lose it, to be honest that would scare me more than anything Aoi has done.

“I've been sleeping with him, is that what you want to hear?” Aoi asks. Why is he still playing the innocent? Perhaps because he's so sure I don't have it in me to tell it all. Well he's wrong about that.

“It's a start.” Kai agrees. “Anything else?”

“He's a whore.” Aoi blurts out. Perhaps he's figured out that I’ve told them, but I think it's more likely that he's just trying to shift attention away from himself. When nobody reacts, and Kai stares coldly waiting to hear the rest he goes a little pale. It's all over for him, but still he's clinging onto the belief that I would somehow protect him.

“He was a whore.” Ruki corrects, his voice is as cold as Kai's, but the fingers holding onto mine are warm and comforting.

“Is that what he told you?” Aoi demanded. “Well he let me pay for him. He let me do all sorts of dirty things to him, and he enjoyed every single one. How many times have you cum calling my name Uruha? Did you tell them? Did you tell them how you like it when I tie you down, how it makes you squirm? Or what about the way no matter how many times you tell me you want to quit, you still spread your legs for more. Did you tell them that?”

“You're a real piece of work aren't you?” Reita snapped, the only one who seemed unaffected by Aoi's outburst. Kai seemed put out, jealousy eating away at him perhaps. Ruki was harder to read, but he too had gone quiet. “Off course Kouyou couldn't quit, you were fucking blackmailing him! I should kick you ass, but I don't want to touch rapist scum like you.”

“Blackmail? Is that what he's calling it?” Aoi demanded. “He's a whore! How can you blame me for paying him to do his job? You want to know who else he's slept with for cash? Let's see, there's Shinto who takes him to a night club before taking him inside his car. Classy right? Kenji, he's into drugs and pretty boys, Takata, he likes to take him up the rear. Akito,”

“You were stalking me!” I accuse, “Following me around while I worked? Threatening my former clients! They all stopped using me for no good reason! Now I know why!”

“I was protecting you.” Aoi corrected. “None of them were good for you, only I cared for you. You must know that.”

“You don't care about me, you only care for yourself.” I accuse him. “Why else would you be standing here saying such awful things. Please guys, I swear he's been my only client since I joined the band.”

“You were willing enough when I suggested the idea.” Aoi accused. What could I say to that? I had been willing, I'd gotten myself into this mess. I didn't deserve my band mates friendship and support, I had brought all of this on myself. My hand falls away from Ruki's on it's own.

“Maybe he just liked the money?” Ruki suggested. “I mean, you say he likes you but I'm the one he slept with for free.”

“What?” Aoi demands, now he's angry but Ruki doesn't back down despite being so much smaller than Aoi.

“You heard me.” Ruki informed him. “It seems strange to me, that Kouyou had no objections at all when he was with me, yet was so scared of you that he stayed over at Kai's last night just in case you were lurking around outside. Seriously Aoi? Stalking, blackmailing and rape? How can you even think to judge Kouyou?”

“I never raped him!” Aoi snarled, he looks ready to punch Ruki but Reita steps between them, not looking too happy with Ruki's bragging.

“What do you call it when someone doesn't want to have sex, but feels like they have to?” Reita demands. “That's rape where I come from.”

“He wasn't unwilling.” Aoi scoffed, his eyes pleading with me to agree with him. But I couldn't, I hadn't wanted it and I couldn't lie. Realisation dawned in Aoi's eyes, he seemed genuinely shocked when I sat silent and let Reita's words sink in. Was that guilt in his eyes? I wondered if he had even realised that he was hurting me.

“You didn't realise?” I ask, and he confirms this with a small nod as Ruki gives Aoi a rather colourful description of what he has done. Aoi is guilty, and the fight has left him as he realises this. He's not cocky anymore, he simply accepts the others judgement. When they ask him to leave the band he only nods and walks out. The look he gave me was so pitiful I almost chase after him, but I don't. He's fooled me into believing him once before and I no longer trust my judgement.

 

I spend the next night at Kai's, and then Ruki's but I can't avoid my home forever so I turn Reita's offer down and head home. Thankfully he's nowhere in sight, but some wilting flowers are sat on my door step. I pick them up and check the card, they're from him off course. Just his name, and the word sorry. I toss them into the big bins outside before letting myself in. It's beginning to smell in here, and I quickly locate the cereal bowl that now contains a mess of sodden cereal and rotten milk. I'm clearing this up when I hear the knock on my door, but I'm hesitant to answer it.

Nervously I pull it open on the chain, smiling in relief as I see Kai, and opening the door fully. I let him in and offer him a drink, but he has more pressing concerns.

“What's that smell?” Kai demands and I have to explain about the half eaten bowl of cereal, which of course leads him to doing a full kitchen investigation. As he roots through my fridge I spray some air freshener around the room and tidy some of the kitchen mess. “You still have food at least.”

“I'd hate for your food to go bad.” I confess. “But really, I'm fine alone you know.”

“I know.” Kai replied. “But I worry and, well I missed you last night.”

“You just want to get in my bed.” I tease, “You can stay over if you like.”

“No really, that's not why I'm here.” Kai reassured me. “I just wanted to check you had food and he wasn't lurking around or anything.”

“Please, stay?” I ask. I am scared, but I had planned to be strong. But Kai was here now, and there wasn't a single part of me that would willingly let him go.

“I'll stay.” Kai promised with a smile. “Somebody has to make sure you clear up after your meals.”

“I'm not a slob.” I sulk.

“I don't care either way.” Kai promised.

“I wish I owned a dress.” I declare. “So that I could dress up for you. I think that's the only way you'd let me repay you, but I owe you so much.”

“You owe me nothing.” Kai reminded me, “But, I feel bad asking...”

“Do you want to see Uruha's clothes?” I ask. I'm sure that's what he wants to ask and as he nods shyly I lead him to my bedroom. Perhaps if I dress up sexy enough he'll cross the moral line that prevents him from doing anything more than kiss me. He sees me as a victim still, perhaps tonight I can show him the sex god that had Ruki's sure he was gay and Aoi driven half mad with lust. The more I think about it, the more determined I am that we're going further tonight. One way or another, I'll make Kai cum for me.

I let Kai search through the clothes as I sit on my bed watching him. It's a nice view from here of his perfect ass and I don't even bother looking ashamed when I get caught. I turn him on, and I want him between my sheets in far from innocent ways.

“You decide.” Kai finally decides. “There's far too much for me to choose from!”

“But what kind of thing do you like?” I ask him.

“You.” came the answer, “Chained and screaming my name as I pummel this into your greedy ass.” He's holding a ridged dildo that's both long and thick. It does make me scream, it's one of my favourite toys in fact. We're on the same page, but I hesitate as I remember his warning. He's sadistic in the bedroom, I can actually believe that now. “Except, maybe not just yet,”

“Not quite.” I agree, stopping him as he tries to put the toy back. “That part though, I won't complain.”

“Is this what you want?” Kai worries. I kiss him instead of answering, it's what we both want.

“I'm not the type to take it slow.” I reassure him. “You have my full consent to do this.”

“OK.” Kai replies with a smile. “I'll leave you to get changed OK? I'll find something to do.”

“It better not be cooking or cleaning!” I warn as he walks out. It probably is, but I don't follow him to check. If that's what he wants to do then he can do it, I have more important decisions to make. What to wear for him being the biggest one.

 

In the end I find a pair or tight shorts, in a lovely shade of deep blue that are tight and revealing, but somehow classy at the same time. I pair them with long boots from Uruha's collection, but then I do something I’ve never done before. I open Kouyou's wardrobe and find a white patterned t-shirt and long lace cardigan I bought with the idea I might wear it on stage, before changing my mind about it. I've never combined the two wardrobes before, but when I do I come of both sexy and innocent, and just feminine enough to please Kai. He's not really gay, I remind myself as I pick up the make up I had bought with him the day we had gone shopping together. He likes women, and pretty boys that attract him with their personalities.

I try to give him the best of both worlds and apply a thin layer of foundation, some eye liner and a clear lip gloss. It's not a lot of make-up, but it makes my features appear smoother. I'm very much the image of a pretty boy rock star now, but I still consider curling my hair before deciding against it. It'll take too much time, and I want to be with Kai now. So instead of curling my hair I retrieve my Grandma's necklace and place it around my neck. I had inherited it when she died, meant for my future wife, which is never going to happen.

I realised now that part of being with Kai would be to experiment with my feminine side. Sweet, gentle, caring and submissive, that's what he wanted and that was what I planned to be. Kouyou was taking a back seat tonight, Uruha was taking the reigns and I loved the feeling of having him back in business. I became a different person in the bedroom, but I knew now that so would Kai.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

I lay back on the sofa, my hand resting suggestively on my upper thigh as I stare both seductive and innocent into the camera. An expression that says 'come here'. It's turning Kai on, but so had the outfit I put on for him. The second he saw me his jaw had dropped, I thought he would be lost for words but he had been able to ask if I'd let him take my photo.

“Amazing.” Kai said as he stared at the image in the camera. He had originally attempted to use him phone, but the picture hadn't done me justice so I had leant him my state of the art digital camera instead. It had been an impulse buy and I hardly used it. I was glad I owned the camera now.

“Do you want another?” I ask. I'll happily give him a thousand photos if he wants, but Kai puts the camera down.

“One is enough.” he replies. “Just a permanent reminder of how beautiful you look.”

“Is that so?” I ask but Kai doesn't answer. I guess he can't ignore his arousal any longer because he's on top of me now, our bodies pressing tightly together as we kiss. Nothing Kai does is hurried or rushed, he seems content to take everything slow. I've never been with a man so patient before, it makes me realise just how much I love this foreplay. Especially when I know where it is leading.

“What shall I do to you?” Kai whispers into my ear. I shiver in excitement and watch him, waiting for him to lead. My profession has trained me to follow, my instincts crave the same. It hadn't been special with Ruki because I was never built to be on top, but Kai is and I long to submit for him. “Or perhaps, you could suck me off. It would be a shame to strip you of that outfit too soon.”

“I'll be glad to.” I inform him, my voice is seductive but I mean what I'm saying. I'll do anything for him, this man who is too good for me, but refuses to see it.

“Choose a safe word first.” Kai advices. “I won't be too rough with you tonight, but just in case.”

“Duck.” I reply. It feels random enough, but Kai frowns.

“I might mishear that, in the height of passion.” he explains. “Perhaps another animal?”

“Oh.” I reply. I've never had to pick a safe word before, but now I do it feels so hard. “Guitar,” I finally answer. It's random enough for Kai, but to me there's nothing random about it at all. Playing guitar led to me giving up being a whore, the word would stop our passionate encounters too. It felt fitting.

With the word decided I move onto the floor, kneeling between Kai's legs as he releases his own length and guides my face towards it. It's so long and hard, I'd worship it with my mouth if he allowed me too. Instead though I find myself being forced to swallow, and I look up at him with surprise. I don't feel trapped, the touch on the back of my head is gentle enough that I could push away easily. He's holding back for my sake but I don't want that. Instead of going slow I relax my throat enough to deep throat him, and before long he is forcing me to take in more and more. This is the hardest blow job I have ever given, I have no control but it's not like I want to lead either. I allow him to abuse my mouth, staring up at him as I watch the pleasure pass over his face. Is this something he had imagined doing to me? I suspect it is, and it makes me wonder what else he imagines.

Kai's fingers press my head forward and I take him in deeper still. I feel him cum against the back of my throat as he orgasms. I love the feeling of him back there, sliding down inside me and when he releases me I'm smiling. He looks worried though, afraid I would complain about what he has done to me.

“You sure you want to be with me?” He asks.

“No doubt in my mind at all.” I reassure him, surprised when he pulls me into his arms and holds me. His lips meet mine and we kiss, but now he is nothing but gentle with me.

“OK then, in five minutes I'm going to enter your bedroom to find you naked with that huge toy in your ass. You better be pleasuring yourself.” Kai warns me. I try to ask him what he has planned, but he won't answer so I hurry to prepare myself as he requested.

 

The toy is better than I remember, but I exaggerate the moans anyway, wanting Kai to hear every last one. Masturbation is always lonely to me, even more so when I have a eager man in the next room. Has five minutes passed yet? It feels more like an hour. When I'm beginning to worry Kai appears, naked now, his length as aroused as my own. I smile as he enters but he doesn't appear happy to see me.

“What are you doing?” He demands. “So desperate you couldn't wait?” He's playing games is he? Very well.

“I'm so horny.” I whine. “I need you inside me, please Kai?”

“Why should I, that toy seems to be making you happy enough.” Kai scolds.

“But you're so warm and big.” I complain.

“So that's toy.” Kai replies, taking it off me and thrusting it harder inside me. I stare up at him with wide eyes, he's so sexy when he's like this. The perfect master. “Hands and knees.” he orders and I obey. The toy reaches deeper now, or at least feels that way, and my moans grow louder still. He won't relent and I don't want him to. Then he slaps my ass and I gasp in surprise. Kai's strong, it's easy to forget that but I can't right now. My ass stings but he slaps me again. Just two hits, one on each cheek but no one has ever slapped me before. I'm not sure how to react, but my body knows. I cum with a cry of pleasure, every nerve tingling in anticipation.

“You don't need me.” Kai scolds and I find myself whimpering that I do. I need Kai, I want him so much. I tell him so and then he takes mercy and slides himself where the toy had once been. There's pleasure, so much pleasure, but that's all I can remember. I was lost in the moment, my entire self at Kai's complete mercy. I wonder if I could have called out the safe word even if I wanted to. He teased me later, said I was constantly begging for more but I don't remember. All I know is I loved every moment and by the time Kai orgasmed inside me I had cum again.

I spent the next few hours wrapped in Kai's arms. Discussing his fantasies, how far I would go, how far he wanted to go. I shared everything with him, my own kinks and desires. Sometimes he'd fill me again and the pleasure would return, our favourite positions all experimented with until we had no strength left. I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes Kai was passed out beside me. With a yawn I pull myself out of bed and go to shower, feeling guilty at the thought of washing Kai's essence down the drain but needing to feel clean.

“You have to much energy.” Kai complained as I returned to the bedroom. “How can you even be up?”

“I don't know. Hunger?” I guessed.

“We'll order take out. I'm not getting out of this bed.” Kai warned. I laugh at him until I realise he's serious. I suppose he did more of the work in our love making, it's easier to be submissive.

“I never thought I'd see the day you would order take out.” I tease.

“And I never thought I'd see the day when I could share a bed with you.” Kai confesses. “A man like you, well I thought you were way out of my league to be honest. I still do in a way, but I’ve made you mine now.”  
“I'm yours.” I promise. “Nobody else will have me, not for a billion yen.”

“I'm honoured.” Kai replies, but to me it's the other way around. Kai is the special one in my eyes.

 

The next few days go in a breeze. I spend every one with Kai, or thinking of Kai. We had sex whenever we had a chance, sometimes rushed, other times long and drawn out. Kai could be gentle or rough depending on his mood, but I loved both sides. When I wasn't with him I was normally planning our next night together. I had bought a dress to wear for him one day, we'd gone out in public but the attention had been too much for me and we agreed that the cross-dressing would stay private from then on. It made it easier in a way, instead of finding dresses and skirts that would make me feminine I choose sexy nightdresses to please him. He loved every one off course, but I could go to rehearsal in jeans and a t-shirt and still find myself in a closet with him. Too sexy to resist was what he claimed. I think we were both just too horny.

I'd forgotten about Aoi in these sex filled days, which was probably why I had stopped being careful. It was dark the night he found me. Kai was visiting some friends and whilst he had invited me I hadn't felt comfortable attending. Ruki and Reita knew about our relationship, but I wasn't ready to broadcast it to the world. I was scared it wouldn't last.

“Kouyou, please just listen.” Aoi begged as I tried to slip past him. My apartment wasn't far, but there was no way I could reach it without Aoi stopping me. I could run the other way, but I accepted my defeat. He'd find me again if I ran anyway.

“I don't want to listen.” I informed him.

“I'm sorry. That's what I came to say.” Aoi says. He steps out of my way now, but he's got my interest.

“You're sorry?” I repeat.

“I didn't know you hated being with me so much. I didn't know I was forcing you into anything.” Aoi apologised. “Look, your right to hate me. What I did to you was unthinkable, but I didn't know I was raping you. I didn't know how much I made you suffer. I just wanted you to know.”

“I didn't always hate being with you.” I tell him. His guilt is genuine enough, I even feel sorry for him. Just a little.

“That's nice to hear.” Aoi says. “So sorry and also thank you. You know, for not pressing charges or anything.”

“The others want me to.” I explain. “Just, the day you were forced out of the band, I realised then that you hadn't known.”

“I deserved that too.” Aoi admits. “Look, you don't have to be afraid of me any more. I won't stalk you or anything crazy like that. I won't even ask you not to hate me. Just know I'm gone and good luck with Kai.”

“You've been following me.” I accuse. How else does he know about Kai?

“Only to catch you alone, to say goodbye.” Aoi reassures me. With that he turns to walk away and I watch him go. It's over then? Aoi is out of my life and Uruha, well the whore inside me belongs entirely to Kai now. I should be happy, but I feel bad for him. He's suffering. He loves me in the same way I love Kai. How would I handle Kai being with someone else? Not well.

Feeling down I enter my apartment and pick up my guitar, practising until the pain goes away. I'm still confused about my feelings towards Aoi, but I'll figure that out eventually. Distracted by the phone I answer Ruki's call, surprised at how frantic he sounds.

“Kouyou, thank god you answered. Is Kai with you?” Ruki demands.

“No, he's with some friends.” I explain. “From his high school.”  
“Oh, I know who you mean.” Ruki replies.

“Has something happened to Kai?” I demand.

“No, not Kai.” Ruki replies. “Have you got access to the internet right now?”

“Reita?” I guess.

“No, not Reita.” Ruki replies. “Please, get your computer.”

“I'm going.” I complain. I'm worried now, unable to comprehend what's got Ruki so wound up. I type in the URL he gives me, the site loading up quickly and then I understand.

“Who would do something like this?” I demand.

“I don't know!” Ruki complained. “Don't shoot the messenger.”

“This is a disaster.” I whisper as I stare at the website. It's a fansite for our band, we were finally getting somewhere within the industry, but that dream has been shattered. Someone wants me to fail or perhaps the whole band to go down? Whoever it is they've posted my history on this website, they even have the proof they need to back it up. Kouyou is really a whore named Uruha. The headline reads, I can't stop staring at it. I should have known this would happen. It's my fault the band has gotten involved in this, but who would do something like this?

“It has to be Aoi.” Ruki informs me over the phone. I feel like a fool. Off course it has to be Aoi. Who else would care if the band failed or not? Only an hour ago he had me believing he wasn't so bad after all. I've never felt so betrayed.


	16. Chapter 16

“Still no answer.” Ruki reported as he puts down his phone. He'd been trying to call Kai to discuss the crisis, but so far none of us had any luck contacting him.

“It might be for the best, he's meant to be having a nice night out.” Reita reminded us both. He seemed to be the one to have taken charge in Kai's absence, maybe because he was the calmest? Ruki was still angry on my behalf, and I was crushed Aoi could have done this to me. It didn't seem possible, I had believed him earlier, he had played his sorrow so well. Could it really all just be an act? But I wasn't sat here on Reita's sofa, listening to Ruki rant on and on about how terrible it was, just for the fun of it. I had brought shame on the band, shame that was going to affect Kai greatly. He'd tried so hard to keep the band clear from trouble, maybe I should never have joined?

“He should be here, for Kouyou!” Ruki complained. “I'm sorry, I’ve tried.”

“It's not your fault.” I reassure him. I keep telling him this, but he seems to be taking Kai's absence personally.

“But he's more than your friend now, right?” Ruki asked. “I'm not blind, I know how much time you've been spending with him.”

“Wait, what?” Reita demanded. “Just because they're friends, don't jump to conclusions.”

“No, Ruki's right. Kai isn't ready to share, but he is my boyfriend.” I explain. I expect shock, or excitement, but Ruki already seemed to have figured it out and Reita just smiles.

“So, Kai's trying to be gay again?” Reita asks. “He enjoyed it last time, if I remember right.”

“It's not a question of sexuality,” I defend him but I fall silent. They seem to know more about Kai's past relationships than the little he's told me. I don't need to defend Kai's honour, they're his friends after all.

“Anyway,” Reita declares, “We need to figure out who could have done this.”

“Aoi!” Ruki exclaims. “How many times do I have to say it?”

“I'll put him on the top of the list.” Reita relents. I'm surprised he's not ready to have Aoi's head, he seems to have doubts too. “But, whilst he has motive. I don't know. He seemed genuinely remorseful when he left the other day. Besides, what good does destroying us do him? He wanted Kouyou, I doubt he would have given up the chase. Surely at this stage Aoi's priority would be to get back with the band. Destroying us this early seems illogical.”

“Aoi found me, earlier today.” I confess. I wasn't sure before if I was going to share this information, but it seemed important now. “I thought he was there to, well you know. Instead he apologised, said he was staying out of my life from now on.”

“Aoi or not, it's probably one of your old clients.” Reita prompted. He's right and I begin to name some of the more likely suspects. Especially those men I know Aoi had scared of. This could be an attack against Aoi, just as much as any one of us. His departure from the band wasn't official yet.

“What about Kenji?” Ruki suggested. I recognised the name, he'd been the guitarist Aoi and I had replaced.

“I don't know.” Reita said, as he wrote the name on the board. They listed a few more names between them, but something glaring obvious seemed to be missing. Most of these people had motives, but each one seemed even more unlikely that the last. I stare at Aoi's name once more, could someone close to him have found out about us? Someone who liked him?

“Miaka!” I suddenly exclaim.

“Who?” Reita asks, surprised at my sudden excitement.

“Just before everything turned bad, Ruki let slip that Aoi had a girlfriend.” I explain. “Surely if she found out Aoi was cheating, she wouldn't be happy?”

“Makes more sense than Aoi himself.” Reita deduced as he wrote the name down. He was about to say something else when Ruki's phone began ringing.

“It's Kai.” Ruki declared as he answered it, only to have his phone taken from him by Reita almost straight away. Perhaps Ruki breaking the bad news wasn't the best of ideas, Reita at least seemed to be handling everything a lot better than the two of us.

Sitting in silence I listened in on Reita's conversation, genuinely impressed on the way Reita had broken the news. I was a lot closer to Ruki, but I wished it had been Reita who had called me. Somehow he kept his emotions out of everything.

“Kai will be about fifteen minutes.” Reita announced. “He says we're not allowed to leave, or take action until he gets here.”

“You mean like punching Aoi in the face?” Ruki suggested. “Even if it's Miaka, he's the one who hurt her.”

“Yes, like that. But he specifically mentioned online. I think Kai has an idea already.” Reita confessed.

 

When Kai arrived I smiled weakly at him, not sure if he was mad at me or not. Realising he wasn't I got up and wrapped my arms around him, apologising not just for being a whore, but for leaking our relationship to our friends.

“It's fine, don't worry.” Kai reassured me. “It's probably better Ruki and Reita know anyway, for your sake.”

“My sake?” I ask confused.

“Secret relationships are the last thing you should be getting involved in.” Kai replied, glancing over my shoulder at our watching friends. “I love him, you guys got a problem with that?”

“No.” Reita replied with a shrug, Ruki giving a more enthusiastic evaluation of his feelings on our relationship. All I could think about was the fact Kai had just confessed to loving me! He said it so easily to, without even thinking about what he was saying.

“Good.” Kai replied. “But we need to cast a vote right now, does anyone want Kouyou to leave the band?”

“Kai?” I whisper, suddenly horrified by his words. He can't mean it can he? That he thinks the only solution is to get rid of me? He just said he loved me, even now he's got his arms around me, but I can't help but remember his two sides. The kind loving Kai who protects us all, and the harder version of his self. The kind that comes out in the bedroom, as he forces me to do all kinds of things to him. Thing I love, I hasten to add. Kai can be a strong and confident leader, but does he love the band more than me?”

“It would be the easy way.” Reita admitted. “But no, I don't want him gone.”

“Are you guys mental?” Ruki demanded. “Are we really discussing this?”

“Yes, because we have to.” Kai explains.

“You're a heartless jerk!” Ruki snaps. “How could you?”

“How could I ask?” Kai retorts. “Because I want to know we're all prepared to ride this roller coaster and risk our own reputations to protect Kouyou. I will happily throw away the band for him, if that's what it took, but it seems we're all united on this front.”

“You always meant to vote no.” I translated. I should have known better, but Kai was still very much an enigma to me. I never could quite figure out how he might react.

“We've been trying to figure out who did it.” Reita explained as he handed Kai the list we had brought up. He glances over it, but makes no comment.

“It doesn't really matter.” Kai deduced. “It was bound to happen one day, you can't keep something like this secret forever.”

“So what? We just announce to the world it's true?” Reita demanded.

“Yes, it's not illegal,” Kai explained. “No harm will come to you Kouyou. As for our reputations, why not tell them the truth? Kouyou was a whore, we can even give a sob story to capture peoples hearts, but he's trying to turn his life around. With careful publicity we can actually turn you into some kind of role model.”

 

“Kai, are you mad at me?” I ask. It's much later, and we had been talking for hours of the best way to spin the publicity campaign, but now Kai and I were alone he had gone quiet.

“Mad? Just tired.” Kai replied. “I'm sorry, I know this is hard on you.”

“I shouldn't have joined Gazette, you were right, this was bound to have happened. How could I have been so stupid?” I ask.

“Don't say that.” Kai orders, pulling me against him so he can hold me. “You were trying to make a change, trying to be good. That's where my publicity idea came from, I just want the world to see you the way I do. Strong and determined. I've been prepared for this ever since I found out your past, don't worry. I know what I'm doing. We all do.”

“I can't escape being Uruha though can I?” I ask. “Even when I thought I had let him go, he's so much a part of me. The part that likes dressing up and showing off my body to you, the part of me that enjoys performing on stage. That's all Uruha.”

“OK then,” Kai declares. “Be Uruha, on stage, off stage, not Uruha the whore, Uruha the musician. Flaunt your body, be a sexual tease and save Kouyou for your friends. The real you beneath the performer.”

“For real?” I ask. “I use that name professionally?”

“You have nothing left to hide, take Uruha and own him!” Kai encourages me and I smile. I like this idea, I like it a lot. I could be the sexiest member of the band, get all the fans!

“Kai, Aoi found me today.” I warn him, explaining what Aoi had said and done while Kai listened quietly. “Do you think he's innocent?” I finish. I need to hear Kai's answer before I say anymore. An idea has been developing over the last few hours, but I'm not ready to carry I out quite yet.

“Honestly?” Kai asks. “I don't know. Really I have no idea, but if I was to place a bet, I'd bet he hadn't meant to be so cruel.”

“He regrets it, I know he does.” I reply. Here goes, the real test of our love. “I want to try and be his friend once more.”

“You do?” Kai asks. I couldn't have stunned him more if I tried. How do I explain me feelings to Kai? There's a part of me that had wanted Aoi, that was the part of myself that had made it impossible for Aoi to let go. He'd been desperate, his actions cruel, but I couldn't believe his intentions were bad. I couldn't believe he'd hurt me on purpose. All along I had been questioning my own judge of character, but I don't think I had ever been wrong. Hadn't it been Ruki who had complained I was too perspective? Back when I realised he loved Reita. I do my best to explain my reasoning to Kai, but I'm not sure he fully understands.

“Let's just go to bed.” Kai suggests after I'm done. “I'm too tired to think about this.”  
“Are you mad at me?” I ask.

“Stop asking me that!” Kai complained. “Trust me, if I was mad you'd know.”

“Disappointed?” I try. I need to know what he's thinking and I have no idea.

“In you? Never.” Kai replied. “I'm overwhelmed right now, by what has happened and how generous you can be to those who have harmed you. My jealousy and protective nature is crying out I ban you from seeing him. But I don't know if that's right. I'm tired, I can't think about this. It's not about how I feel about you.”

“If you don't want me to see him I won't.” I promise. Kai just gives me a look and heads into my bedroom, looks like he's staying the night. By the time I'm ready to join him in bed he's fast asleep but I lie awake, staring at my boyfriend as so many questions fly through my mind. I'm lucky to have Kai, I realise, I'm lucky that he's the one in my bed. This perfect man who not only loves me, he also sees me as some kind of role model, his hero even. I've never been idolised in this way before. I'm a sex god to some off course, but that's not the side of me that has Kai sleeping beside me.

“I love you.” I whisper as I wrap my arm over him and snuggle against his back. He stirs slightly, but doesn't wake up. This time I do sleep, content for now to just have Kai in my arms.


	17. Chapter 17

I woke up before Kai, which was unusual to say the least, even without my insomnia the night before. Worried I placed my hand on his forehead, but he felt OK. My movements caused him to stir and he opened his eyes, confused for a moment before he remembered where he was.

“Hey.” He said, a soft smile on his lips as he caught me watching him.

“You slept well past 10.” I announce, holding up my alarm clock to prove it. Kai merely groaned and pulled the covers up higher.

“Wake me at 11?” he tried, the latest he could sleep in and still make the band meeting.

“What's wrong?” I ask. Kai hated sleeping in. He believed it was wasting the day away. I say screw the day, the night is the best anyway.

“Hung over.” Kai muttered. That was right, he'd been out drinking the night before. He'd seemed sober enough, but I wonder now just how clear headed he had been. He'd said he'd loved me, but he'd been drunk. Did that mean his words hadn't meant anything at all?

“Last night,” I began hesitantly. “You told Reita and Ruki that you loved me?”

“I did, didn't I?” Kai asked, more awake now. His eyes actually opened enough to look at me. “I'm sorry.”

“Because you didn't mean it?” I asked. I shouldn't doubt Kai, he's told me off for it so many times now that it's almost a joke between us. Yet I can't help but question this.

“Because it was too early to say it.” Kai replied. So he did mean it then? Off course he did, Kai isn't the type to say things he doesn't mean. Having his guard down probably made the confession even more genuine. I feel a smile on my lips, I probably look like a right idiot, but I can't help it.

That's when it hit me, as I'm lying in bed besides a man that loved me, just how nice it was to be in a relationship. I've never been in love before, and whilst it is too early to confess, I know that's how we both feel. I love Kai, and I'm in lust with him too. For the first time in probably forever, I make the first move in the bedroom. It's my need that drives me to straddle his naked body with my own, equally unclothed, one. I kiss him hungrily, not caring about how he doesn't feel well or anything that might ruin the moment. I want this man, I want to take him and claim him as my own.

Beneath me Kai is kissing me back just as eagerly. I can tell he's surprised but it seems to be the pleasant kind of surprise. Kai has his insecurities too, one of which being that he's no better than the men who have paid me for this. He needs me to lead for once I realised. He'll do anything for me, just like I'll do for him. We're equals in this relationship, so why have I being playing the uke so long?

I break the kiss and reach for the lube, showing it him in a silent question to which he responds by pulling my lips back down onto his. Well that answers if he's well enough for this.

“You're going to be my little whore now.” I tease him. Laughing Kai spreads his legs, waiting for me to prepare him. This I do carefully, not sure how used to this Kai actually is. He feels tight against my fingers, but flexible too. This is going to be so good, I know that before I even slide in. Only I'm wrong. It's not just good, it's amazing. I take him slowly, wanting every movement to last, our combined bodies wrapped together in an embrace, our lips sharing thousands of gentle kisses. I don't rush, I don't try and show off, that was where I went wrong with Ruki. This isn't sex, it's making love, something even Kai and I haven't achieved that often and never like this.

 

The rest of the day is spent with the band and a friend of Reita's that he's convinced to be our PR agent. She's a nice woman, who can take everything in her stride, but it's her ideas on spinning my story the right way that really inspires me. I really had hope in Kai's plan in becoming a victim, instead of a whore. It's a lie off course, and perhaps I'm upsetting past clients who were never anything but nice to me. They don't pay my bills anymore though, the band is more important. Kai sees them all as villains anyway off course, but you can't agree with everything your lover thinks or does. See, I’ve matured in my time in this band, I'm only just finding out how much.

“One last thing.” Kai announces, before explaining to the others my change in stage name. It's accept easily enough and I turn the whole thing into a joke about how I plan to be the bands professional slut. Calling the meeting to the end Kai pulls Ruki to one side, inviting him to something to keep him out of mine and Reita's way. Here's the deal, Kai had agreed I could go and talk to Aoi but only with Reita's company. It wasn't because he didn't trust me, it was Aoi he didn't trust. Reita was just the least likely to cause trouble. I explain all this to Reita, and unlike Kai he doesn't need me to explain.

“I'll come.” He replies. “Between the two us, I think we were a little too harsh on him.”

“Too harsh?” I ask. Reita had been pretty angry if I remember right so it seems strange he feels like this now.

“Emotions got in the way.” Reita explained. “It was as he realised what he had done, and left quietly, that I realised he wasn't even half as bad as we thought. I know he hurt you, that wasn't right and yet, he didn't know what he was doing. I believe that much at least.”

“He didn't. I thought he did though.” I admit. I still feel guilty that Aoi was kicked out of the band, while I got to remain.

“We all did.” Reita replied. “But he wasn't so bad was he?”

“I can forgive him.” I confess. “I don't think Kai can though. He doesn't understand.”

“Kai, he's had a crush on you right from the beginning.” Reita admitted. “I wanted Aoi in the band but he kept arguing for you. It wasn't like him at all, to be so stubborn. I didn't realise at first it was a crush, but it soon became obvious.”

“And Ruki?” I ask. “Did he want me?”

“We all wanted you.” Reita corrected. “I'm glad Ruki suggested we hired you both. Even though it didn't end up so good.”

“I should have gone after Kai straight away.” I complain. “I just never thought I was good enough for him.”

“Is that so?” Reita asked, surprised by my confession. “You make him happy, even I can see that.”

“Thanks Reita.” I reply grinning.

“It's nothing.” he explains with a shrug. “From the looks of things you've got Kai to keep Ruki away?”

“Yeah, if you're free?” I ask. Off course he is, more than myself Reita seems eager to be Aoi's friend again. I doubt he would without my blessing, he knows Aoi was in the wrong, but it's nice to realise someone is on my side. Aoi used me, but he never realised just how far over the line he had gone.

 

We arrive at Aoi's apartment and Reita knocks firmly on the door. The lights are on inside, he's home but there's no answer. We wait awhile, then Reita knocks again. We share a confused look and then hear a crash coming from inside. In an instance Reita is testing the door, and finding it unlocked let's himself in.

“Aoi?” he calls into the empty room. He hurries on into the lounge and I follow far more cautiously. I follow Reita I find him helping the raven haired man back onto his feet. Broken glass is on the floor and I figure out Aoi had just knocked a few bottles onto the floor. He'd been drinking, heavily from the looks of things, half hunger over and half drunk even now.

“Reita.” Aoi gets out, heavily resting on the blond. He doesn't know I'm here and I keep back. How would he react if he knew I was in his home? I'm a coward so I leave Reita alone to take him to bed and go to find something to clean the broken glass with. When I'm done I take the remaining bottles to his recycling bin and wash the pots in his kitchen.

He'd been cooking, I noticed. But the food had burnt to the bottom of the pan and was all put inedible. The table in the over room had been set for two, but none of the cutlery had been used and the bottle of wine left unopened.

“He's sleeping it off.” Reita announced as he joined me. “I don't think today was the best day to come.”

“He had someone over, but it went wrong.” I noted, indicating to the table.

“So he did.” Reita agreed. “Say it was his girlfriend, and they broke up because she found out about you, surely that means one of them revealed your secret?”

“They broke up, Aoi drank away his pain.” I concluded. What if it had been him all along? Angry and drunk, was that enough for him to have betrayed me? Betrayed the band he had once loved?

“Uruha?” Aoi called out. He sounded shocked to see me, wearing the expression a person might have in a dream when they're figuring out that what they're seeing isn't real.

“It's me.” I reassure him, surprised when he falls against me. He's sobbing now as he clings on, but all I can do is stare helplessly at Reita. Should I comfort him? Push him away? In the end he steps back himself, tears still falling but he's trying to calm himself down. Reita hands him some kitchen towel to dry his eyes, but he's barely aware Reita is here anymore.

“I'm sorry,” he says. Sorry for what? Crying, holding me or something worse?

“You're meant to be sleeping it off.” Reita reminded him.

“I heard Uruha, Kouyou, I had to see.” Aoi explains, still staring at me in wonder. “What are you doing here? What are either of you doing here?”

“I needed to talk to you.” I confess, glancing at Reita nervously. Now that I was here I wasn't so sure I knew what to say. After a moment of uncomfortable silence I blurt it out. “I forgive you.”

“You forgive me?” Aoi repeats. If anything I’ve left him even more speechless. He mutters something about strange hungover dreams that makes Reita laugh.

“You're not dreaming, Uruha's just that generous.” Reita explained. That name is still strange on Reita's lips, like it doesn't quite beyond there and Aoi obviously feels the same way.

“Uruha?” he questions as he glances between the two of us. “I see.”

“It's not like that!” I exclaim. “I've decided to use it as my stage name.”

“People will figure out you were a whore.” Aoi warns. There it is, his innocence in outing me now made absolute. He has no idea that's it's no longer a secret. Reita hasn't missed this comment either, he's watching Aoi closely as I explain what's happened, waiting for any sign Aoi is acting. I know he's not.

“I can't believe she would have done this.” Aoi interrupts angrily. He means Miaka, he believes she's the one who tried to destroy me.

“Some kind of punishment for cheating on her?” Reita guessed.

“No.” Aoi says, taking a seat at his table. It's the very table he had me on, but he doesn't seem to be thinking about that. “Miaka always knew I took a whore to my bed.”

“Miaka knew about me?” I ask. I hadn't seen this one coming at all. I take a seat across from Aoi, sensing this might take awhile.

“She knew.” Aoi confirmed. “And didn't care. It was easier, that I slept with a man I paid, than having a boyfriend on the side. For her I mean. I'm bi, but I can't be with just one woman. I guess the part of me that craves men is stronger? Or I find that kind of relationship more exciting.”

“So what happened here?” Reita asked as he took a seat between the two of us.

“I fell in love with Uruha, it blinded me to his emotions, I honestly believed you loved me too. If I just had you one more time, if I just said the right thing. I couldn't give up the idea that one little thing would make you truly mine. I was obsessed with you a long time ago. Scaring away your other clients, stalking you, believing I was protecting you. Turns out I was the monster.” Aoi said with a laugh that lacked any humour. “I used my inheritance to pay for you, an investment as it were. Every yen would be worth it the day I made you mine. Then along came Gazette and I needed you more and more. Only, an inheritance doesn't last forever and some girls it seems only wanted you for your money in the first place.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Kai, I want him back in the band.” I find myself begging. We've been having this discussion for the last half hour and it doesn't feel like we're ever going to come to an agreement. I've explained it all to him so many times, how miserable Aoi is, what a terrible person Miaka is and how she's hurt him too. She was the one who posted the comment on the internet but we all agree it's best to carry on as if we have no idea. Her act of spite will mean nothing if none of us get angry or upset by it.

I've explained to Kai everything, over and over and over again. Every telling of the tale I take more and more responsibility for the rape, if only to clear Aoi's name. Except Kai isn't buying any of it. He thinks I'm foolish and naïve, too caring for a man who hurt me. He's jealous that I still care for Aoi and I'm frustrated that he can be so hard on a man he once called a friend.

“He hurt you Uruha!” Kai finally snaps. “I don't want to hear about this anymore.”

“Reita wants him back too.” I try. It's true and he knows it. “Ruki just wants everyone to be happy.”

“Uruha.” Kai complains with a sigh. I think he's about to lose it, really snap and tell me that enough is enough. His next words are even more shocking. “Is this what it will take to make you happy?”

“Yes.” I reply. “I love you Kai, but I love the whole band. We need to be together and Aoi is part of this.”

“If he wants to, he can join us in concert next week.” Kai decrees. “If Reita and Ruki agree to this as well.”

“Thank you!” I exclaim, stunned by Kai's sudden change of mind. Do I mean so much to him that he will put my happiness above his own? Or is he playing a game? Hoping it'll be such a disaster I'll never ask again? I can't read him at all when he gets like this, but that doesn't matter. I know exactly how to show my gratitude to him and fall to my knees before him. Perhaps this was what he was after when he consented to Aoi re-joining the band? It's a small price to pay if it is.

 

“You want me to come back to Gazette?” Aoi repeats, if anything more stunned than Kai had been by the suggestion. I'd thought he'd be jumping for joy, instead he was acting like I was leading him into some kind of trap. “Why?”

“Because it's not fair that you got kicked out in the first place.” I explain.

“Don't be stupid.” Aoi scolds. “I hurt you, not the other way around.”

“You're beautiful.” I explain. I couldn't share everything with Kai, but Aoi is a different story. “When you first hired me, I felt like the luckiest man on earth. Then you shook the earth beneath my feet with your charm. You're amazing in the bedroom, and I loved every minute. Until I fell in love.”

“Because, we never had more than good sex.” Aoi concluded.

“And companionship.” I add. “Perhaps I could have formed a relationship with you, in other circumstances, but it wouldn't be like what I have with Kai. I'm sorry Aoi, I think I led you on, even used you. I accepted money of you, for times I would have given it for free. I could pay you back?”

“No, I made the mistakes.” Aoi corrected. “But if it makes you feel better, I'll play guitar for you again. Just keep that boyfriend of yours under control!”

 

And so, we end up rehearsing for our first thousand person arena as a five man band. Things were still awkward back stage, but I know the wounds will heal in time. We are The Gazette, we need us all together or it just wouldn't feel right. It's strange that the pain and mistakes in mine and Aoi's past, have led us to this moment. We're all better people for what we've been through. My fans can't stop talking about me, defending me to the haters, and I have just as many of them! I'm learning to ignore the harsh words, only the music matters.

The dress rehearsal went well, which might not be a good thing if stage superstitions has any merit. I'm confident though that we can achieve greatness. I can feel that's our path, but only if all five of us stay on it. Even if we fail, I'll still have this beautiful leather and silk outfit that I'm wearing. For the stage I’ve decided to go for an 'Innocent Slut' look. Part covered, part revealing and so very sexual I could turn myself on by looking in the mirror. It's no wonder that the second the rehearsal ends Kai drags my hand and leads me to a private room. I just wonder why it took him so long.

“He was watching you the whole time!” Kai complains as he locks the door behind us. He means Aoi of course, who else would have him so jealous. Aoi looks even sexier than I do in his stage outfit, the dark eyeliner perfect on his pale skin. I don't dare comment to Kai about this though.

“I'm just that sexy.” I retort giving him a twirl. His lips turn up in a smile and I'm soon pinned against the sofa beneath him.

“That you are. Moan for me, moan loud?” Kai begs as his lips hit my neck.

“So that Aoi can hear?” I demand. “Is that what you mean.”

“No harm in that.” Kai whispers against my neck. But there is harm, I don't want to flaunt my love in front of Aoi. Things are hard enough as they are, without throwing fuel into the fire.

“Yes there is, get off me!” I complain. Reluctantly Kai pulls away, giving me an annoyed look for not playing along. For a second I think he might just force me to do things I don't particularity want to.

“Fine, just stay here then.” Kai orders, surprising me as he unzips his trousers and releases his hardened length. Have I really turned him on so much? As I watch he begins to stroke himself, eyes shut as he moans my name. Loudly may I add. I get the picture, he's pretending to have sex with me in here and I almost leave just to embarrass him into behaving better.

“For gods sake Kai!” I complain. “Can't this rivalry between the two of you end?”

“Oh god Uruha!” Kai screams out. I'm angry now, angry that he can't trust me and that he wants to hurt Aoi in this way. I let the anger boil within me as I grab Kai and force him down onto the floor where he lands on all fours. He's shocked but I'm not done. If Kai's going to moan like that, well I'll give him something to moan about!

There's lube in my coat pocket which happens to be hanging in the corner. I grab it and release my own length. Kai's watching me, but he looks eager enough. Of course he is, he's just a slut for me now isn't he?

When I penetrate him I do it with force, ignoring his groans that come out with every forward thrust. He wanted this, he deserves the pain. If Aoi is going to hurt, so is he! My anger is all consuming but as I picture Aoi I still. This isn't right, Kai's not a toy for me to use. Everything about this is wrong.

“Don't stop.” Kai begs, I can't tell if this is for his own benefit or Aoi's.

“I'm sorry.” I whisper as I pull away. I want to cry, but I'm stronger than that now. “I hurt you, we've hurt him.”  
“Uruha?” Kai asks. “I'm fine. I like it rough sometimes. Angry sex can be such a turn on.”

“You don't get it. If I use you like this, I'm no better than he was when he raped me.” I try to explain. “This cycle of hurt needs to end.”

“Uruha?” Kai repeats. I ignore him though, why can't he understand just how wrong all of this actually is? “Kouyou?”

“No more hate, please.” I beg. Quietly Kai nods, deep in thought before requesting I wait here for him to return. I promise I will as I cover myself back up, wiping the lube away with some tissues. I lost my erection not long after I realised what I was doing, but I still feel uncomfortable by what has happened.

Finally Kai returns, Aoi close behind him and the door is locked behind them as they enter. I don't know what to expect, perhaps some deep meaningful conversation. What I get is the sight of Aoi and Kai madly and passionately kissing each other in front of me.

“What are you doing?” I ask, the sight of these two men more than erotic to me.

“Learning to get along.” Aoi explains as he pulls away from Kai.

“It's fan-service.” Kai explains as he comes over to sit next to me. “You're right Uruha, this does have to end. So Aoi and I have come to an agreement. If you want to sleep with him, you can, on the condition thst I watch.”

“What?!” I stammer. Where has this come from? It's not something I’ve even thought of doing and yet, now Kai suggests it I realise just how much I do. I love Kai, but there's a dangerous kind of excitement with Aoi that he just can't match. “Why would I want to cheat on you?”

“You don't have to lie, I know how much he means to you.” Kai reassured me. “From the moment you said you wanted him back in the band, I knew.”

“It's all his idea.” Aoi said, looking about as stunned as I felt.

“Kai, you have the wrong idea.” I try to explain. “Aoi is sexy yes, and we had great sex, but I don't love him. I don't need two men in my life.”

“I can't control this jealousy.” Kai apologised. “I thought I was comfortable with you being a whore, but when I see you dress like this for the fans, when I see you looking at the other members, it's too much. This is the only sane conclusion, as crazy as it might sound to you. If I know who you're sleeping with, if I can be part of that, then I can handle it.”

“I don't know what to say.” I whisper. What on earth have Aoi and Kai being discussing in the hall to come to this conclusion?

“It's not just Kai.” Aoi spoke up. “This band won't work for me any other way. I can't work so close beside you and not have you in my life. It's tearing me apart watching you with Kai. I can walk away, or we can try this. I see no other choice.”

“There has to be a choice.” I declare. “I'm not a whore anymore and Kai certainly isn't my pimp!”

“Uruha!” Kai calls out, but I'm too angry and upset to talk to either of them. How can they have done this to me? I try to run away, old habits die hard, but Ruki spots me and pulls me to one side. Yet again I'm in a locked room with a man I’ve spread my legs for. Am I nothing but a slut?

“Kai thinks I'm a slut.” I whisper as I cling onto Ruki. “He can't trust me.”

“OK.” Ruki replies, gently stroking my hair as he calms my fears.

“That's it?” I demand. “Just OK?”

“Well I don't believe that's what Kai meant, but it's how you feel so just OK,” Ruki explains. “Kouyou, he loves you. He'll do anything for you. He even let Aoi back in the band to make you happy! I don't mean to be harsh but, until you can accept that I don't know how you and Kai are going to manage to stay together!”

“Ruki, I...” I stammer. He has a point. We stay together like this for awhile as I try and figure everything out. Kai's not whoring me out, I was wrong to believe that. He wants me to be happy. For all I know this is his fetish, to watch his boyfriend with other men. It'll keep Aoi in the band too. Everyone can be happy and I am a slut. That's the truth, but the first time I don't see it as a negative thing.

 

I walk out of the room and grab Aoi, knowing Kai will follow. Poor Ruki and Reita are left alone, confused to what all the drama is about, but we have to get this sorted before the live. When we get privacy I pin Aoi against a wall and kiss him desperately. I'm a slut, and I'm going to be proud of it.

Behind us Kai walks in, silently shutting the door and taking a seat to watch. I smile at him and let Aoi do as he pleases, soon on all fours as he takes me from behind. But it's Kai I'm watching, his hand working frantically over the arousal that's grown from watching us.

“Why don't you stick it in his mouth?” Aoi calls over and with a grin Kai just does that. I'm filled from both ends and it's never felt so good! I hear the sounds of kissing above me and feel a flood of relieve flow through me. Kai's right, his solution is absolutely insane and yet, could I have it any other way?

This is my life now, as Uruha the musician and Kouyou the slut. I'll spread my legs for Aoi and Kai will watch, often punishing me for my behaviour later. Many men would say it was humiliating to be treated like this, but I find it the most liberating feeling in the world! I love having sex with my two gorgeous me, what on earth could be wrong with that? It's my life and I'll live it exactly how I want!


End file.
